Unsound Advice
by mjimeyg
Summary: Why would River Tam be interested in Jayne Cobb. Why wouldn't Jayne Cobb be interested in River Tam? What advice would the crew give Jayne?
1. First Attempt

"A girl... cute too!"

That was his initial description and impression of River Tam, though he never thought he'd actually do anything about it. Sure she was legal, had been for a while, but she weren't quite all there.

She'd been getting better though. Her brother had even started weaning her off the meds. She still ran around like a loon and spoke in over complicated sentences, but she didn't rub soup in their hair anymore... well, not as much.

He regretted trying to turn her in as soon as Simon had shown him what they had done to her. Then Kaylee told 'em how she shot three men dead with her eyes closed.

The Reavers, dozens of 'em dead within minutes. Jayne collected weapons and she was definitely one weapon he would love to add to his arsenal. He'd clean her real good any he always licked his weapons and he's enjoy tasting her... well if he was gonna have a shot with her he'd have to stop thinking them thoughts and change his ways.

Jayne Cobb change his ways? His own Ma couldn't get him to change and this slip of woman- and what a woman- had him doing it before he'd gotten the balls to ask her.

Jayne Cobb was smitten. He was gonna do it. He stood up and crossed the mess to the couch where she sat, her long legs drawn under her and her cute little nose buried in some physics journal her brother had picked up for her.

Jayne cleared his throat...

"You have a better chance of becoming captain of this vessel than of courting me."

Gorram mind-reader.

And with that she rose gracefully off the couch, placed her journal on the table, and glided out of the room.

So it wasn't going to be that easy, but at least she didn't say he had no chance.

"I mean't you have no chance," came a voice from the hallway.

This was gonna be a lot of work, but he thought it might be worth it. After all, she had moves, he'd seen 'em in the Maidenhead. He bet she'd be a hell-cat in the sack.

"Please desist from those thoughts!" The voice was becoming a little annoyed and annoying now.

Well if he was gonna break her down, he was gonna need advice... and what a bunch of go'se he had to pick from. The Doctor with his foot permanently in his mouth, the Captain who refused to even admit his feelings or the pilot who would laugh himself silly at the notion of Jayne Cobb pining for Miss River Tam. Gorram it!


	2. Senile Wisdom or Heavenly LuhSuh

First port of call had to be the Shepherd. For all his secrets and riddles he was still the only real friend Jayne considered he had, and for a second he considered that rather sad. Then he remembered it might have something to do with the fact that he had shot all his old partners, so he never had a chance to make new friends... he quickly changed his train of thought.

For all his high morals and spiritual wisdom, the Shepherd had plenty of worldly experience, probably a lot of it similar to Mal and Zoe's. Whatever his history, Jayne figured the Shepherd must have some experience with the ladies. 

He approached the passenger dorms and checked quietly to see if River or the Doc were around, he didn't want no one eavesdropping on this conversation.

Jayne knocked on the door to the Shepherd's room.

"Come in!" came the muffled response.

Jayne slid the door open and stepped across the threshold.

"Hey Shepherd, I was wonde... Wo De Ma what the hell happened to you?" Book had turned around to reveal his rather unearthly halo of chaotic hair.

"I'm going to overlook the language as River's reaction was just as... shall we say expressive?" Book explained as he re-tamed his hair. He had learned that it was easier to keep it hidden when around the crew or he couldn't hold a serious conversation without them exhibiting extreme fear or an abundance of giggles.

"Yeah, well next time we face Reavers, just show 'em that and they'll surely run for cover. That or they might make you their leader... either way works for me."

"I am going to assume that you came here for some reason other than mocking my hair, _which_ I will remind you, is a symbol of my Order."

"Right, my reason, actually, its about the moonbrain. I got a little problem to do with her." Jayne slumped unceremoniously into the only chair.

"Your not still thinking she's a danger to crew, are you?" Book thought that Jayne had put that all behind them. 

"Nah, not that. The thing is, I... eh... wannna... y'know, court her?" Jayne stumbled, waving his hand absently. How the hell do ya explain something like this to a shepherd?

Book stood there for a few minutes just staring at Jayne, trying to wrap his mind around the concept of River Tam and Jayne Cobb together... it took some doing.

"Shepherd?" Jayne waited as long as he could, but Book's dumbfounded stare was getting to him. 

"I'm sorry Son, I just was trying to... are you sure you want to court, as in date, River?"

"Yeah, I know there's the whole age thing, the whole I'm rim world she's core bred..."

"She's female your male." The old man chuckled. Jayne was not pleased.

Jayne rose abruptly from the chair. "Look Shepherd, I came to you first 'cause I figured you'd take me seriously." He began pacing agitatedly. "Always figured we had something, a friendship where we could talk man to man. Don't need no hassle. I imagine the doc and Mal'll try and space me whilst Wash rolls around the floor in hi-sterics!" He continued to pace in frustration. Book was supposed to help him! He always took Jayne seriously, but now it was all fun at Jayne's expense.

"I'm sorry, Jayne." Book tried to calm him down, the last thing he needed was an irate Jayne; regular Jayne was bad enough. "I truly am glad though that you have considered those things, but why have you come to me?""

"Well, I figured you might have some advice or suggestions on how to court a core bred beaut' like the moonbrain."

"Well, step one would be to stop referring to her as 'moonbrain'." Book admonished.

Jayne grinned sheepishly, "Yeah, sorry, guess your right."

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to. Try saying sorry to River," Book told him seriously. The grin fell from Jayne's face faster than River with a can o' peaches.

"You ain't serious Book, that's crazy talk..." The last time Jayne Cobb had apologized it was from the wrong side of an air-lock. He'd rather do that again than apologize to a _girl_.

"_THAT_," Book interrupted loudly, "is the way civilized people like River behave," he told him sternly. "Not to mention the rest of the 'verse," he added under his breath.

"Fine," Jayne grumped. "Ya realize I ain't never apologized to no one but my Ma and Pa."

"Jayne, if you are thinking of starting any serious relationship, you are going to have to learn to treat _everyone_ with respect." The Shepherd looked kindly at the sulking merc.

"Jayne, the first thing you need to do is ask River if she would like to be courted by you." 

"I did that!" Jayne exclaimed. Book was stumped for a second; he should have realized Jayne wasn't a man to sit idly by.

"Oh, well what did she say?" Book was highly intrigued.

Jayne's expression dropped again, "She said I had a better chance of becoming captain."

"Oh" Book smiled slightly. "Then what is it you wish me to tell you?" 

"I need ta know how to convince her she's wrong and I'm, ya know, alright."

"Regrettably, I may not be the best person to ask about this. I can tell you various customs and rituals... but," he hurried as Jayne's face became very shocked, "I believe that the other men on this ship may have more experience in this area."

Jayne's face scrunched in thought. He was hoping it wouldn't come to that, the last thing Jayne needed was to become the ships standing joke!

"Let me get this straight, you want me to talk to Mal, the Doc, and Wash about me courting River? Wash is the only one with a good track record, Simon'd probably try'n castrate me and Mal'd probably wait patiently till he finished so he could space me!"

"Jayne, if you can convince the Captain and Simon, then River might be a bit easier."

"Can't say as I see the logic in that but still, I'll give it a go."

Book suppressed a sigh. He couldn't see the logic in it either, but he wasn't exactly comfortable giving courting lessons to a man who usually paid to get his vices seen to.

Jayne stood up to leave, but Books voice stopped him as he slid the door open.

"Oh and Jayne," the defeated merc paused on the threshold, "Don't forget that it might be helpful to seek a woman's point of view.

"You want me to give the women on this ship a reason to space me?!" Jayne asked incredulously, then sighed resignedly. "Shepherd, just promise me you'll stop Mal and the Doc from killin' me." 

"I promise, good luck."

Jayne closed the Shepherd's door muttering to himself.

"Gonna take more than gorram luck to get through this without getting personal with the black."


	3. Second Attempt

Jayne Cobb was a sniper, probably one of the best in the 'verse. He was used to waiting hours or even days at a time just for the right moment before pulling the trigger. But this meant that he was pretty impatient when it came to other things; food, drink and sex. He did not wait for those.

He figured the Shepherd may have been on to something with the whole apologizing thing, so, why not. Might speed things up a bit with River.

Jayne knocked on the door to River's room.

"What do you want Jayne?" came the muffled, yet clearly annoyed voice.

"Look Moonbraaah –River," he stammered. That was a close one! "Can I come in? I need to talk to ya about something."

Despite the door, her exasperated sigh was clearly audible. "Very well." Jayne opened the door and stepped into the room, River was seated cross-legged on her bed reading another Physics Journal.

"Hey, look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry." There was a rather long and uncomfortable pause.

"About what?" She said as she laid her book to one side. Jayne Cobb making an apology was a big deal, after all this could be interesting.

Jayne was honestly stumped. "What do you mean about what?" He didn't realize he had to be sorry about something.

"Generally when one apologizes they have wronged the receiver of the apology. I could list all the wrongs you have done to me, but I am more interested in what you think you have done wrong." She should have realized this wasn't going to be simple. She figured that if he was really serious about making amends, the least she could do was help him.

"Fine, well..." Jayne thought hard, he hated having to think about things like this. He was a man of instinct and action, but he figured River wouldn't appreciate being carried off to his bunk as his instincts urged.

"No I would not!" Again with the mind reading, gorram it! Man can't even think things through in his own head with out getting in trouble.

"Stop thinking so loud then."

"I can't help it! This ain't easy for me, I was trying to do the right thing here," he said. Getting annoyed and agitated he began to pace, "I was trying to apologize for all the name calling and bad-mouthing I done to ya, about the whole Ariel business and trying to turn ya over to the Operative. This ain't easy ya know?" Jayne plunked down, defeated, in her only chair whilst River stared at him, her mouth slightly open and speechless.

"Your apology is accepted," she said simply. She saw Jayne was trying to make an effort. It would only be fair to respond in kind and pleasantly accept his apology.

"What apology?" 'When did he apologize?' he thought. He should be making a whole new apology for getting annoyed.

"You apologized for the name calling and Ariel and the Operative. I believe you were sincere. I accept your apology." She said with a slight smile. Jayne was clearly sincere in his apologies and he obviously cared for her; there had been a marked change in his general attitude since Miranda.

"Huh." That was easy. "So, will you go out with me?"

Pleasant River was suddenly replaced by Exasperated River whose voice seemed to take a frighteningly high pitch.

"You came here to apologize just to get me to sleep with you! How could you!? That is worse than trading money for whores, except you consider apologies to be currency you dumb ape!"

Jayne was taken aback by the insult and shot up out of his chair like a horse from the starting gate.

"Whoa, there! Back it up a bit. I never came here to get you to sleep with me! I came here to apologize and I figured since we cleared the air an' all, I'd see if you'd be willing to reconsider the whole courting, business." Jayne was insulted, but he was trying hard to reign in his temper, getting angry wasn't going to help. She'd probably get madder at him and then her brother would come and Mal would wanna' space him and… well not much else after that.

River stopped, slightly stunned. She hadn't realized he had an actual defense. She quickly recovered.

"Be that as it may, you took advantage of the situation and that was wrong."

"Well I'm sorry. I'm new to this whole thing; don't usually apologize to people." Jayne sighed, "Look, I'm sorry I took advantage of saying sorry."

River giggled. Jayne was honestly looking to make peace between them and she didn't want to insult him further, but she found some things too amusing.

"Now what did I do?" Jayne was quickly losing what little patience he possessed.

"I was just wondering if a double apology is the same as a double negative. Do they cancel each other out?" She choked out between fits of giggles. Jayne just stared at her. 

"It was a joke, you did nothing wrong." She assured him. This was why nobody played with her at school, River thought, they didn't get the jokes she made.

Jayne decided he should go, as her eyes had a hint of sadness. He wanted to give her some space before he made things worse.

"Right well, I suppose I should go before I start actin' like your dumbass brother and say something wrong again."

River frowned at him. "Simon can be a boob, but you should not make fun of him, it's not nice."

"Right," Jayne sighed and made for the door. "Just another thing for me to work on," he added as he slid the door shut.

It was a few moments after Jayne had left when there was a knock on the door.

"Come in Simon." Simon still had trouble dealing with his sister knowing who was there all the time. It unnerved him.

"River, did I just hear Jayne say he wanted to court you?" Simon asked tugging on his ear, nervous for his sister's happiness.

"Yes, Simon, Jayne is interested in me, but I am not interested in him."

"So you aren't going to let him court you?" Simon asked, relieved that there was nothing mutual between River and Jayne.

"Of course not, he's a dirty ape," she said with disgust. "Besides, I have no interest in dating anyone; I just want to see if it is possible for him to change for someone." River had made it quite clear to said dirty ape that she had no interest in him.

"So, you're experimenting on Jayne?" Simon was tugging harder on his ear.

"No Simon... would you stop pulling your ear? It's going to come off and we don't have the appropriate equipment to re-attach it." Simon stopped and folded his arms. He looked very uncomfortable without his nervous habit to comfort him.

"I have no intention of experimenting or interfering with Jayne, merely observing his changes, if any," she explained calmly.

"For some reason I don't find that at all comforting," Simon said as he turned to leave. As reassuring as River had seemed about her relationship with Jayne, Simon thought he saw something more than pure curiosity in his mei-mei's face. This could not end well.


	4. Suicide Run

Jayne decided to start from the top, straight to the captain. He strode purposefully to Mal's bunk and pounded forcefully on the hatch.

There was loud thump and some rather colorful swearing from inside. Jayne was impressed.

There was the sound of more scuffling and a lot more swearing was followed by... a female voice?

The hatch opened.

"Inara?"

"Yes, Jayne, did you want something?" She somehow managed to get out of bed with Mal, hastily dress –though not very well by the looks of things –and yet she still managed to act as if it were as simple an occurrence as drinking tea.

Jayne, on the other hand, was a little surprised and couldn't quite compose himself as well as the companion.

"I... er... could you…?" He stumbled, trying to ignore the amount of cleavage and thigh Inara was showing; he was supposed to be a one woman man now.

"Jayne, I realize you tend to spend late nights lifting weights and that gives you a lot of time to think, but is there any chance we could do this in the morning? It is a little late after all," she explained gently.

Mal was not as gentle as he practically screeched from where he sat still in bed beyond Jayne's vision.

"A little late? Its 2 in the blessed am! What the devil couldn't have waited till morning?! We best be expecting Reavers in the next sixty seconds or someone's heading out the airlock!" Nor was he as forgiving.

Inara looked at Mal scathingly, who had the good sense to flinch.

Jayne was a little embarrassed; he hadn't noticed how late it had gotten. "Sorry, ' Nara, I didn't realize the time. I only wanted to speak to Mal, but-"

"Oh, well, come down then, Jayne. I'm sure Mal can see you now," Inara said pleasantly, but it was clear to Jayne she was enjoying torturing the captain. She stepped aside and, unbelievably, more cleavage showed. It was too much for Jayne; he didn't mind seeing ' Nara in buff, but seeing Mal naked once was more than enough for Jayne Cobb.

"Nah, its ok ' Nara, I'll catch him in the morning. Sorry to disturb ya." And he walked quickly to his own bunk.

Inara closed the hatch quietly and returned to the bed, shedding her hastily adorned garments. She climbed under the covers with her back to an equally naked Mal who wrapped his arms around her and kissed the back of her warm neck.

"' Nara?" Mal asked cautiously.

"Yes, Mal?"

"Am I hearing things or did Jayne just apologize for waking us?"

"I really don't remember..." She yawned, "...or care, I just want to sleep."

"No argument here, Darlin'. But the next person who knocks on that door at this rutting time of night is gonna receive an answer with a bullet."

"Yes, and I will gladly hand you your weapon."

Sleep soon overtook them.

----

"Jayne, I do appreciate that you didn't say anything about me and ' Nara this morning, but you come to my bunk at that time of night again and we ain't about to die, then you best have made your peace with whatever god you pray to. Dong ma?"

"Sure, Mal." Jayne was a little shamefaced at not realizing the time, not to mention the eye-full ' Nara gave him, what would River think?

It was just after breakfast the following day; both men had hung around, trying not to make it look like they were waiting for everyone to leave. Now they had sat back down at the table after clearing up.

"Now, what was so all-fire important that you couldn't wait to talk to me about?" Mal said still a little peeved but more, curious.

Jayne was still trying to figure it out. Last night he was just doing things on the spur of the moment, now he'd spent all night thinking on it and he'd got no clue where to begin.

"River." He may as well just start by establishing the subject.

"Okaaay." Mal was a little wary of River and Jayne as most of Jayne's actions and conversations regarding his Li'l Albatross involved the mercenary trying to turn her in. "What about her?"

"Wanna' court her." Ok, so eloquence wasn't going to be an issue today. At least it was more then two syllables.

Mal just stared at him. Either he was going mad or he didn't hear Jayne right.

"Could you repeat that?" Mal asked warily.

"I would like to court River Tam," Jayne said slowly. He still wasn't sure if Mal was gonna space him just for bringing it up.

'Well,' Mal thought, 'didn't hear him wrong, so I must be going mad. Must remember to tell the Doc, he'll wanna' start some meds.'

"Mal? You in there?"

Apparently Mal had been staring absently into space for a while and Jayne had been concerned the Captain was ignoring him.

"Er, yeah, sure. I'm still here." Mal tried to shake himself out of his reverie. "Have you spoken to River?" Mal didn't feel it necessary to threaten Jayne. For one, the Merc had come to him and seemed to be concerned himself. Secondly, his Li'l Albatross had already rendered Jayne unconscious twice. Her safety wasn't an issue, though Jayne's definitely came into question.

"Yeah I spoke to her, said I didn't have a chance."

"Then what's the issue? She don't wanna' date you, end of discussion, move on." Mal didn't see what all the fuss was about; he just assumed Jayne saw her as a good chance for some sexin' and nothing more.

"I need advice on how to convince her otherwise." Jayne shifted uncomfortably in his chair. The second the words left his mouth he realized how stupid it sounded… asking Mal for relationship advice!

Mal was getting a little stressed. First, he found one of his hired guns wanted the other hired gun: problem. Then he found out that the other hired gun wasn't interested: end of problem. Next, he learned that the first hired gun was somewhat serious about said second hired gun! This was some rollercoaster ride! He bet even Wash would have trouble steering through this turbulence. And to top it all off, he was developing what promised to be one doozy of a migraine!

"So am I to take it that you are serious about River and this is not just about sex?" Mal asked, hoping he was wrong.

"Dead serious," Jayne stated, leaning back in his chair.

"Why do I get the feeling that your being _serious_ will result in your _death_?"

Jayne leaned forward to explain. "Look, the shepherd said I should speak to the other men on the ship and possibly the women 'cause he didn't have advice for me."

"You spoke to the shepherd?" Mal asked incredulously. "And he said I could help you?" Jayne nodded.

Mal ran his hand down his face wearily. "Remind me to have a word with the shepherd," he said, more to himself than to the man sitting across from him.

"Look Jayne, I really don't know what I can do to help you. I ain't gonna order the girl to give ya the time o' day, but I can't exactly stop ya from making an ass out of yourself. Truth be told, I'll probably get a kick out of it," Mal finished with a smile, realizing that Jayne's little infatuation could prove entertaining…as long as he didn't hurt River, of course.

Jayne chose to ignore the jibe. "C'mon Mal, help me out here. How do you go about courting? You seem to be doin' alright with ' Nara. How did that happen?"

Jayne knew he shouldn't have asked as soon as he saw the slight smirk on Mal's face.

"Well let's see," Mal reminisced fondly."It all started a few years back when we first met. I insulted her, she refused to pay the whole rent. We spent the next few years bickering, arguing and generally pretending that we didn't truly care for each other. Then after I slept with her friend, she left as I was about to tell her I loved her! A few months later some gorram Alliance spook decides to use ' Nara as a bargaining ship. Being the fool that I am, I go in and drag her out, nearly getting killed in the process. Lets see, we then had to sneak through Reaver space, have a deep chat about why she left, find a dead planet, she had to loose all faith in her beloved Alliance and then we had make a big scene going through Reaver space to take on the Alliance, nearly get everyone killed, discredit the alliance and then after all that... we argued some more and in the heat of arguing succumbed to passion!"

Jayne just sat there staring at Mal. Mal stared back with a satisfied grin plastered on his face.

"Does that help you any?" Mal asked smugly.

"Sure does," Jayne didn't miss a beat, "at least I know how _not_ to go about courting River."

The smirk fell from Mal's face and jumped onto Jayne's face.

"Fine," he said, feigning hurt. "If that's how you're gonna be I won't tell you all about my first girlfriend. That relationship went much better!"

"You mean you made me sit through all that go se when you had actual advice?" Jayne was incredulous. Right about now he was thinking about how Mal would feel in the airlock.

The smirk had switched faces again. "Well, are ya sure you wanna' know?" Mal asked.

"Yeah, ya hundan, course I wanna' know!" Maybe this painful little man-to-man with Mal would be worth it after all.

"Well, I bought her gifts, candy, flowers –actually I stole the flowers from a neighbor's lawn. It's a little difficult to picking flowers out here, but the real thing that got her attention was the game of kiss-chase and the hair-pulling." Mal said seriously.

Jayne closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Mal, how old were you when you courted this girl?"

"I was about six months older than her at the time. She was about 5." Mal confided gravely.

"You were a gorram toddler?!" Jayne's voice rose steadily, as did he from his chair, to loom over Mal. "So I have had to listen to you babble on for the past ten minutes about absolute luh-suh and I could have gotten better advice from a gorram Reaver?!" Jayne was shouting by the end.

"Easy there Jayne, I was just messing." Mal figured he better try and placate his irate merc before things got out of hand. "Maybe this'll help, try getting her gifts, doing things for her, but make sure it doesn't seem like your doing them cause she can't. Just do it 'cause you wanna help and be nice."

Jayne sat back down, stunned, the wind sufficiently knocked out of his sails by Mal's serious, helpful answer. "Two questions Mal. One, why didn't you do this with ' Nara and save some time, and two, why are you giving me actual advice?"

"Well," Mal leaned back in his chair, "I'm giving you the advice 'cause I care about that girl as if she were my own. I don't want to see her hurt, dong ma?" Jayne nodded. "As for the whole why didn't I do this with ' Nara... do you really wanna sit through that story?"

Jayne thought for a second. "Yeah, right, I think one epic Mal and Inara tale was enough for my lifetime." Jayne stood up, "so gifts and doin' nice things, I can do that. "

"Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't give her the attitude either." Jayne grunted in response and made to leave.

"Oh, Jayne, one last thing." Jayne turned to face Mal.

"Let me guess Mal, I do anything to hurt the girl, I'll be visiting the airlock again?" Mal was a little shocked.

"Well... yeah." He was also disappointed. "You could have let me enjoy making the threat though."

"After listening to all that crap about you and ' Nara? No way!" Jayne left, heading for his bunk.

Mal watched and waited till he heard the sound of Jayne's hatch opening and closing.

"He's definitely gone now, Doc."

Simon walked in from the direction of the infirmary.

"I'm assuming you heard all that?"

"I heard enough," Simon said as he sat in the seat Jayne had just vacated. "I already knew about his feelings when I overheard him talking to River."

"And you didn't think to tell me why?" Mal asked, a little annoyed.

"River had said she wasn't interested."

"Am I gonna have a problem with you and Jayne over my Li'l Albatross?" Mal asked.

"No," Simon started, "but you may have a problem with River and Jayne."

"Why? They aren't gonna do something stupid are they?" Mal was starting to get worried; he couldn't have his two hired guns going off their game. His migraine was getting worse.

"All relationships involve the individuals being stupid in one way or another, whether they mean to or not."

"But you just said your me-mei wasn't interested." Mal pointed out.

"Yes, she _said_ she wasn't interested, but I got the impression that she is more than a little curious and is actually in denial."

Mal's migraine was definitely getting worse. "So they are going to wind up together?"

"All I can say is nothing is for certain. It all depends on just how successful Jayne is at persuading River to get involved with him."

Mal sighed, "Next time we hit dirt, we're stocking up on whisky and migraine meds. I'm gonna need 'em!"


	5. Gentleman Jayne

Mal kept a careful eye on Jayne Cobb. Sure, he had given the man advice on how to court his Albatross, his surrogate daughter, but that didn't mean he was all that happy with the situation.

Mal was surprised at the little acts of kindness that Jayne seemed to be capable of, passing the bread basket at the dinner table, remembering to say please and thank you, holding the door open to let other people through.

The only bad thing was that Jayne's kindness seemed to only extend to River. He'd graciously held the door open for River when entering a bar after a particularly successful job, but didn't have the sense to watch out for Inara walking behind them and carelessly allowed the heavy two-way swinging oak door to quite literally fly into the ex-companion, launching the woman backwards a good five feet.

Mal had to carry the dazed Inara back to Serenity where she regained consciousness whilst Simon fixed her broken nose.

"I wan' vengen' Mal!" screamed the usually composed and refined woman as Simon tried to tend her injuries.

"Darlin', I know you're upset, but it was an accident." Mal was desperate to soothe her, he had been on the end of her tirades enough times, but even he was scared of the fire-brand before him now.

"Look whad he dun to me," she wailed. Simon had packed her nose and told her it would have to remain so for only a few days. He left quickly not wanting to be caught in the middle of the lovers' quarrel. He had seen Inara annoyed with Mal but never had she expressed anger at anyone else, the closest she came was expressing her disappointment when Mal hadn't killed Niska. Simon made sure to exit quickly.

"I can see, 'Nara... and hear!" Mal could tell from the furious look on her face that he should _not_ have said that. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed and took her hand. "'Nara, I can't let you kill him. But he was stupid, so how about I give him septic duty for the next month?" Septic duty, the most loathed of all chores in any establishment! Everyone had their turn. Mal had tried to use his Captain's privilege to get out of it before, but when Wash and Kaylee found out, they threatened a mutiny, not to mention flooding his bunk with sewage. He caved and disgustedly took his turn in the rotation.

Inara had never done septic duty until after Miranda. She had quit the Guild and, though Mal had made her do chores, she insisted that as she could no longer pay her way, she would do chores like all the other crew members. The first time she opened the hatch to the septic tank, she began to question whether Malcolm Reynolds was really worth it. That night he was wise enough to convince her he was!

"Two month, if I wad dill working ad a companion I wad be out of commidon for days and you would loose money!" Inara argued from the med bed.

Mal had so many insults and jibes racing through his head, foremost were 'How exactly do you pleasure a man with your nose?" and "Does that cost extra?' Mal again showed unusual wisdom and kept those thoughts to himself.

"Okay 'Nara, two months, and you can be mean to Jayne, but just bear in mind that he has a lot on his mind."

Inara nodded her consent and Mal moved to lie down next to her on the small bed and just held her as the sedative Simon had slipped her kicked in.

Simon walked back in the room a few minutes later.

"Ah, good, she's out," he observed.

"You drugged her?" Mal asked incredulously as he carefully moved off the bed.

"I had to, she was pretty upset. She can't breathe through he nose properly and all her shouting was going to lower her oxygen levels." Simon reasoned as he started to clean up the infirmary.

Mal looked at the young doctor carefully. "You're scared of her," he observed shrewdly.

Simon stopped his puttering and turned to face the Captain, "I just have trouble dealing with hysterical women. Hysterical children I can deal with, women are another matter. But she did need to sleep." Simon could reattach a girls leg, bring a man back from the brink of death and beyond without breaking a sweat, but ask him to deal with women and inexplicably found his foot inserted firmly in his mouth.

"Sure she did Doc," Mal said, clearly unconvinced.

"How did this happen? From the screaming I gather Jayne had something to do with it?" Simon asked, trying to get off his issues with women.

"Yep, he was trying to be a gentleman to your sister and held a door open for her, but then she thanked him and he kinda forgot where he was," Mal explained as he picked up a scalpel and started playing with it.

"I suppose this means my sister will be much safer on jobs with her own personal mercenary. You, on the other hand, are going to have to invest in some body armor," Simon said, removing the scalpel from his Captains hands with a glare.

"You people really have little faith in my plans and abilities," Mal griped as he moved towards the door.

"Name one job where you didn't get shot," Simon countered as leaned back against the cabinets.

"Niska's skyplex," Mal retorted.

"You were tortured for hours and killed at least once!" Simon exclaimed.

"But I wasn't shot," Mal said indignantly.

"Fine name one job where you weren't tortured, shot, stabbed or injured." Mal had to think.

"The Lassiter," Mal said smugly

"You were left to die naked in the desert," Simon pointed out.

"Yes but that was always part of the plan."

"Being naked?" Simon asked.

"It was a bonus. I didn't hear anyone complainin'," Mal replied.

"I was too busy trying not to vomit," He retorted, trying to suppress the image, "And how is it a bonus?"

"It gave me a chance to show off in front of 'Nara," Mal explained as if it was his proudest moment.

"Yes and over a year later you finally got her," the doctor said sarcastically.

"I would love to stand here and chat all day but I have captainy things to do. Can I take 'Nara to her room?" Mal asked moving back to Inara's side.

"Certainly, just try not to get shot on the way."

Mal glared at the doctor as he lifted the sleeping Inara into his arms and exited the Infirmary.

----

Jayne knew he was in trouble; you didn't mess up a woman's face and not expect to be in the dog house for a while. What was worse was the look River had given him, complete and utter disappointment. Jayne had stumbled around the market place for an hour avoiding going back to Serenity. He'd decided he'd go indulge himself in the weapons shops. Mal had said he needed to get River gifts and the truth was that as he was no longer using whores and getting drunk, he had a fair chunk of change to spend on the girl.

It was in a shop run by an older couple that he stumbled across his ideal gifts and possible relief from hell! He spoke with the proprietors, a husband and wife. Usually it was old run down mercs who ran shops like this, that or War Vets. They were a kindly old couple with a sparkle of life in their eyes, they didn't look like they should be anywhere near weapons or mean men like him, they reminded him of his parents. He arranged to pick up the purchases an hour later. So, with some time to kill, he headed back out to peruse the town.

Jayne spent a gruesome hour trying to avoid the bars and the rather appealing brawl that had let out into the street in front of him. It was bad enough he'd damaged Inara's face he didn't need Mal coming to bail him out of jail.

Jayne retrieved and paid for his purchases and hurried back to the ship, it was getting late and he wanted to sneak the packages into his bunk so he could give them in private.

Murphy's Law was against him as his father would say. The entire crew was in the cargo bay indulging in a game of hoop ball whilst Inara sat at the side with Simon. She did not look pleased.

Of course Inara wasn't going to let him sneak by.

"'ave you bough't more instuments with which to injure me Jayne?" Inara said loudly through her fully packed nose, getting the attention of the tiring athletes.

"Aw come on 'Nara, you know Jayne wouldn't do something like that on purpose," Kaylee defended. Good old Kaylee. It made Jayne's stomach turn when she stood up for him and he felt he had let her down. She always gave him the benefit of the doubt.

"Mei-mei, de fact dat Jayne did dis widout trying is whad I find really worrying," Inara returned caustically as she rose from the crate she was seated on. It didn't matter what she had stuffed up her nose, the woman had grace.

"An' if you start laughing again Captain Reynolds I will throw you out of your own bunk!" Inara said as she turned to face the snickering captain.

"Sorry, 'Nara," Mal said as he tossed the ball to Zoë. "So Jayne, what's in the boxes?"

Jayne tried his best to extricate himself from the situation. "Its, eh, personal Mal."

"Like hell it is, the more personal the bedder," Inara retorted.

Jayne felt trapped, he was even being given the evil eye from the shepherd. No one was gonna forgive him anytime soon for this accident, except maybe Kaylee.

Jayne sighed then handed a long thin box to River and a shorter thin box to Inara. "They was presents. An apology for you 'Nara for hurting you and something I saw for River, and..." He paused as he handed Kaylee a small paper bag, "... something for Kaylee cause I knew she'd defend me."

There was a deafening squeal which sent Wash scurrying behind his wife as Kaylee peeked in her bag. "Strawberries!" she exclaimed as she bounced happily on the spot.

Wash peeked from his hiding place behind his wife. "What don't I get a present?" he asked petulantly. Jayne just glared at him.

Inara carefully lifted the lid off her box. Her face was one of surprise, but unfortunately with all the gauze that had been shoved into her olfactory system, Jayne took it as annoyance and displeasure.

"I'm sorry 'Nara, I thought it might be useful an' all. I can-" Jayne tried to apologize.

"It's wonderful Jayne, definitely something you would give," Inara said, she suddenly felt very bad for everything mean she had said about Jayne, she stared in awe into the box.

"Are you going to share with the rest of the class or am I going to have to peek later?" Mal asked sullenly.

Inara placed her hand inside the box and removed an ornate dagger with spiral etchings along the blade.

"I figure a lady such as yourself should have something to protect herself with. Ain't no reason it can't be just as pretty as you," Jayne explained. "I tested it for quality myself. Looks pretty good, but it won't be any use if it's not balanced or if the blade is flawed."

Jayne looked around at the crew and noticed they were all looking at him aghast. "Ok, why is everyone staring at me?"

"We're just not used to apologies and gifts coming from you son," Book pointed out.

"Threats, violence, bodily fluids and rude noises, but not gifts or apologies," Wash remarked as he peeked from behind Zoe.

Jayne gave him another glare and Wash retreated back again.

"What did you get River?" Kaylee asked excitedly.

All eyes turned to River as she looked carefully at the long box. She lifted the lid, pulled back the paper and slowly removed the object from the box.

"A Samurai Sword?" Mal's voice was curious and calm. "YOU BOUGHT THE CRAZY ASSASSIN A GORRAM SAMUARI SWORD?!?" And then it wasn't.

"She ain't crazy and she wouldn't use it on us any how," Jayne defended. River just stood there with the sword in laid across her palms, her head bowed so her hair covered her face to hide her sadness.

Mal was about to press his argument when he noticed something. "Why are you all staring at me? He's the moron who gave the loon a weapon!" Mal said pointing vigorously at Jayne.

"At least Jayne trusts River." That was Kaylee's disappointed voice.

"I trust her fine, I just don't think he should be giving her sharp pointy things when he's the one she tends to use them on," Mal explained. He was beginning to see his mistake and it showed in his voice. "I done screwed up, didn't I?" Mal asked Inara.

Inara's angry stare was made scarier by her disfigured face. "Yes Malcolm you have. Not only has Jayne made an uncharacteristically kind and noble gesture, but he has implicitly shown his trust and respect for River," she said, clearly getting more and more irritated with the stunned captain. "But you have insulted his intelligence, his gift, his kind acts and to top it off you insult River, who considers you a surrogate father!" Inara took a deep breath to calm herself. She stood up walked over to Jayne. Lifting up onto her tip-toes and carefully avoiding her swollen nose, she pecked him on the cheek. "I forgive you Jayne and thank you for the thoughtful gift." She turned a fierce gaze on Mal which even had Jayne taking a small step back. "And you Captain can sleep on the couch in the common room!" she said angrily, promptly turning on her heel and marching off with Kaylee trailing behind in a similar fashion.

"But it's my bunk!" Mal exclaimed.

The remaining crew cringed and took an involuntary step back as Inara spun and glared at Mal. Mal really hated Jayne for getting Inara a weapon.

Inara didn't say a word; she just spun back around and marched off.

"Well that can't be good," Mal muttered to himself. He looked around at the remaining crew. They were staring at him as if they were waiting for his next big screw up. One word from Wash and Mal was gonna start shooting. Following Inara's example he took a deep breath to calm himself.

"I guess I owe you an apology Jayne," Mal conceded. "I guess if you were going to buy presents, you would buy something along the lines of deadly implements of destruction. You did good."

Mal walked over to River who was standing with her head bowed hiding her face behind her hair. He lifted her chin so he could look in her eyes.

"We both know I'm an old hun dan," Mal told her quietly. "I should never had said those things, but more importantly I should have trusted you. Forgive me?"

River looked him in the eyes and considered him carefully. She nodded gently. Mal kissed her on the forehead and pulled her into a hug.

"Aww." Mal gave Wash a death glare.

"What?" Wash feigned innocence. "Kaylee isn't here and I figured someone should say it."

"Right then," Mal said, releasing River. "If you will all excuse me, I think I had better go and see if I can grovel my way back into a rather irate ex-companions good graces." With that he left the cargo bay, heading in the direction Inara and Kaylee had stormed off.

The remaining crew shuffled their feet before making weak excuses to leave the large man and small girl to discuss the gift.

Once alone, River lifted the sword to examine it. She noticed for the first time that weapon was perfectly balanced and very well made. She also noticed the Chinese symbols engraved on the blade, just below the hilt.

"Serenity," she read quietly.

"I figured it was appropriate," Jayne explained. She gave him a confused look and Jayne figured a better explanation was needed. "Every Reaver you killed on Mr. Universe's moon was once a normal human being. By killing them I figure you gave 'em peace, serenity."

"That is most... insightful," River commended. She was slightly taken back by the gift. A thought suddenly popped in her head and sniffed the engraving. "The engraving is fresh?"

"I saw the sword, knew it was quality, but it didn't look complete, so I asked the shop keep to engrave it," Jayne explained, he was a little embarrassed at having to admit he had a heart, he didn't need to ruin his image.

River was astounded by just how much thought he had put into the gift. "I can not accept it. I do not return those feelings for you," River said presenting the sword to him.

"Whoa there, this is a gift," Jayne explained slowly. "It's not a payment or offer. There're no strings attached. It's a gift," Jayne tried to convince her. "'Sides, you'll look mighty intimidating with that strapped to your back. May give us an extra edge when you come on jobs," he told her with a smile. Jayne wasn't a man used to giving without receiving, but he figured that everything he usually did wasn't gonna be kosher when it came to courting a core-girl.

Jayne was really confusing River today. It had been bad enough when she found out that Jayne liked her, but now he had shown that he also trusted and respected her. This was not the oafish brute she had come to loathe. She found she couldn't hate him quite as much right now though. River looked at the sword and then at Jayne.

"Then I accept your gift and I will use it to keep us all safe and healthy," she promised.

"Sounds like a plan to me." Jayne was beaming now. "Well I'm gonna take a shower, see ya at dinner?"

River nodded as Jayne walked away. Maybe there was more to Jayne than she originally thought. She still didn't think much of him, but he was starting to prove his worth as crew at least.


	6. Bad Prescription

So, Jayne Cobb had figured out how to treat a lady, and not just ladies he liked and wanted to sex up.

His attempts to woo River Tam had had a larger effect on him than anyone had anticipated. He was gentler and kinder towards Inara and Kaylee and, though he couldn't stop entirely, he didn't make as _many_ crude passes at Zoe; he was only a man after all.

Jayne had also grown more accommodating towards the men on the ship. He was not only cordial and reasonably well mannered towards the Shepherd, but he didn't hassle Simon and Wash as often and he didn't make much of a fuss about Mal's orders or business decisions anymore.

It had been about a week since the debacle in the cargo bay with the knives and swords, but River had only been slightly warmer towards him. They had remained planet side for a few more days and Jayne had asked River out on a date. Jayne thought he must have misheard when she said yes.

Jayne put on his best shirt and waited in the cargo bay that evening for his date. Kaylee was the first to arrive in cargo bay.

"Jayne, you can't wear that shirt!" exclaimed Kaylee.

"Why?" Jayne asked confused. "It's my best shirt," he stated, somewhat insulted. He didn't get dressed up everyday and he had tried to make an effort.

"Jayne, that's your whoring shirt," Zoe pointed out as she followed Kaylee into the bay.

"My what-ing shirt?" Jayne asked, confusion wrinkling his forehead.

"Whoring shirt. The one you wear when you go to get some trim," Kaylee explained getting exasperated. She didn't want her best friends first date to be a disaster, and yet she was still rooting for the two killers to get together. Of course Kaylee wished that even the cockroaches found love

"You named my shirts?" Jayne asked incredulously.

"Just that one. It stands out with those stripes, makes you an easy target," Zoe said, looking disgustedly at the shirt.

"Jayne is like a bird displaying his plumage to attract a suitable mate," came River's voice as she descended into the cargo bay.

Jayne could only stare at River. She wasn't wearing anything special, but she was wearing the peach outfit from the time they picked up the not-so-dead soldier. Jayne was thinking about those soft lips and how he might buy her an Ice Planet just so he could watch her eat it, and then his mind went south.

"Please stop those thoughts and definitely do not buy me an Ice Planet!" River screeched as she covered her ears as if to block out Jayne's thoughts.

"Sorry," Jayne mumbled as he contemplated his navel shamefaced like a guilty little boy.

"So, why is Jayne a bird?" Kaylee asked, trying to relieve the tension that had arisen.

River noticed, too, and felt bad. It wasn't Jayne's fault he felt that way about her. He had been a lot better and nicer over the past few weeks.

"Some birds display bright coloured feathers to attract a mate. Jayne wears that shirt so that the whores will notice him," she explained.

"So if I wear this shirt out tonight, the whores will see me and they'll try and get me as customer?" Jayne asked curiously.

"That is a reasonable assumption," River confirmed. "Any whores that already know you will recognize you and approach you. They will see your shirt and think you are looking to mate."

"Oh," Jayne said a little surprise, "I'll be right back." He took off up the stairs leaving the tree ladies watching his back retreat from view.

"Is Jayne Cobb actually going to change just for a girl?" Zoe asked in disbelief.

There was the sound of thunderous foot steps as Jayne re-appeared at the top of the stairs in a simple blue shirt.

"Yes, yes he has," Kaylee said dreamily, bathing in her romantic tunnel vision view of River and Jayne.

Zoe just stared at Kaylee unbelievingly.

Jayne held out his arm to River. "Shall we?" Jayne asked.

River took his arm and thought it might not be such a bad evening after all, especially if Jayne was going to be an actual gentleman.

It was about thirty minutes later and Simon and Kaylee were in the cargo bay sitting on the edge of the catwalk passing the time whilst discussing the "date" that Jayne had taken River on. Simon was surprisingly calm about the whole thing, but he pointed out that while he didn't really approve of the un-trained ape, River could handle him better than anyone.

There was a loud bang as the hatch was slammed open. And much cursing from an irate assassin that made her brother blush.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" Kaylee asked as River blew by them.

There was another loud bang as the hatch was slammed shut. Simon and Kaylee looked down to see a murderous looking mercenary stomp over to his weight bench and strip off his shirt to start lifting.

"I'll take River you take Jayne?" Kaylee asked. Simon nodded his agreement and Kaylee gave him a quick kiss before chasing off after the female killing machine.

Simon stood up and slowly made his way to the weight bench where he took up the spotter's position.

"I assume something went wrong," Simon observed calmly.

"You assume right Doc," Jayne grunted in exertion and annoyance.

"Care to explain, or should I take a wild guess that you insulted her?"

There was another loud bang as the weights were dropped into the holder and Jayne quickly stood up to face his accuser.

"What makes you think it was my fault?" Jayne demanded angrily.

"So it was River's fault?" Simon asked, being sure to keep his voice even.

"Weren't neither of our's fault," Jayne explained as he sat down to try and calm down. "Was the gorram whores'!" he exclaimed as his anger rose again. Jayne tried to calm his breathing, but he weren't a man used to holding his temper.

Simon was massaging the bridge of his nose. "Jayne, please tell me you didn't take River to a whore house," Simon pleaded.

"'Cause I did! Got the best grub there," Jayne explained as though it was the most well known fact in the 'Verse.

"Well that would be your first mistake," Simon said massaging even harder.

"Why? Good food, good people, what more could she want?" Jayne asked clearly confused.

"Jayne, it would be like Inara taking Mal to meet an old client," Simon tried to explain. He could tell from the look of bewilderment on the older man's face he wasn't getting through.

"Jayne, what would you do if River wanted to take you to meet an old boyfriend?" Simon asked as he took a step back, anticipating a violent reaction.

Jayne stood up and smashed his fist into his palm fuming. "I'd take the little runt an… oh I get it, she didn't like meeting the whores I slept with."

"Ahh, you're not as dumb as you look," Simon said with a smile.

"Hey, watch it doc. I maybe trying to court your li'l sis, but that don't mean I won't pound you a little," Jayne warned.

"Yes, well, you said it was the whores' fault. What happened?" Simon redirected the conversation back on track.

"Everything was going fine at first. We walked and talked, got to the cathouse ok, 'an we stepped through the door and then…" Jayne paused, the Doc had already pointed out he had made a mistake and now he had to recount it in detail.

"Well?" Simon prompted.

"I was mobbed, okay! River got pushed outta the way as every whore in the house came up to offer their services. It didn't sit too well with the men they left in their dust, neither. A brawl broke out, first between the whores and then between the men. River and I just high-tailed it outta there." Jayne sat back down defeated as he finished his account.

Simon was speechless. He knew Jayne had a reputation at brothels, but he didn't realize he was popular enough to start fights amongst the whores.

"Doc, how can I make this right?" Jayne pleaded with the younger man.

Simon couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor guy, he was going out of his way to do nice things for his sister, but nothing seemed to go his way.

"I may not be the best person to help you, Jayne," Simon told him.

"Is this because you don't want me dating your baby sis?" Jayne asked wearily.

"No, Jayne, you're not my first choice, but as long as you have no intention of forcing or hurting my sister then I will leave her relationships to her unless she asks me to," Simon stated calmly as he sat down next to older man.

"Well why can't you help me then?" Jayne was confused.

"Do you remember my track record with women? I am sure I could teach you the art of how to insult a woman, but beyond that I have to take lessons myself and they usually come from River and Kaylee," Simon said, agitation clear in his voice. He still got embarrassed over all the things he had done to insult Kaylee.

"You were a fancy core-boy, didn't they have special lessons on how to treat women?" Jayne asked. He was getting desperate, after Simon there was only Wash and the women left for advice. He didn't want to be the butt of Wash's jokes if he could help it.

"You mean lessons in ettiqute?" Simon asked.

"Er, I guess so?" Jayne said tentatively.

"Jayne, you have made great improvements in basic manners in the past few weeks, its been…"

"Impressive?" Jayne supplied helpfully.

"Scary," Simon corrected.

"Gee, thanks Doc," Jayne said sullenly.

"Look, Jayne, you have changed a lot about yourself all for a girl, which is no small feat! I can teach you how to behave with regards to a lady of standing, but I don't believe my sister will appreciate it much. She was never one for tradition and all that 'luh-suh' as she would say."

"So what should I do?" Jayne beseeched.

"Well you could always try to learn to do what she likes doing," Simon suggested.

"Piloting? Killing? Mind-reading? Cheating at card games?" Jayne asked, listing off the only things he thought might appeal to her.

Simon was beginning to wonder if this was a lost cause. "Ok, clearly you also need to talk to my sister and find out what it is she enjoys doing, what she likes to talk about and so on." He decided he'd throw the mercenary a bone, "Dancing, Jayne! River is a dancer, specifically ballet, but she doesn't have a dance partner. Have you ever danced?" Simon asked.

"I have three sisters, I _know_ how to dance, Doc," Jayne said shuddering at the memories of the many evenings when his young sisters came home from school wanting to practice dancing.

"Well, you could take her somewhere nice to dance, _but,_" Simon added quickly, "I suggest you let Inara or myself pick the place. No point in you picking a place, it would probably turn out to be a strip club where all the strippers are ex-lovers," Simon said somewhat exasperated, he was still having trouble with the whole 'Jayne took my sister to a brothel' fiasco.

"Huh, thanks, Doc. Didn't think you'd actually _help_ me court your sister," Jayne said.

"Well, Jayne, we both know that I will be leading the crew when it comes to punishing you if you hurt my sister," Simon said with patronizing smile.

"Yeah, well, any thoughts on how to go about apologizing to your sister about tonight?" Jayne asked.

"Absolutely, you walk up to her room, knock, wait for her to answer and say, 'I'm sorry'," Simon said simply.

"That's it?" Jayne asked. This whole apologizing thing sounded way too easy.

"Jayne, you screwed up in a big way. My advice is to own up and make amends," Simon told him bluntly.

"Kind of a 'bite the bullet' deal eh?" Jayne asked.

Simon just nodded with a sad sympathetic smile. "Take it from some one who has done a lot of apologizing."

Simon stood up to leave. "Don't leave it too long, Jayne, better to do it tonight than let her stew," he advised as he headed to the exit.


	7. Third Attempt

Jayne approached River's door cautiously. He could hear quiet colourful mutterings through the thin screen and cursed himself again for screwing things up so badly on their very first date.

He knocked on her door and Kaylee opened it, giving Jayne a sympathetic look. He could see River pacing agitatedly behind her.

"What do want?!" came the irate demand from the dangerous woman he adored.

Kaylee excused herself quietly, but Jayne was sure he heard her mumble something under her breath that sounded an awful lot like 'he was doing so well' as she wandered down the corridor.

He was caught off guard by the retreating mechanics parting words and was so tangled up in his own thoughts that he nearly jumped when River regained his attention.

"Well?" she again demanded. She was standing with her hands on her hips, the full force of her anger directed at him and all he could think of was his father's words of warning: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." And the solution according to his father: "That's why God created the… bar!"

Jayne paused for a moment as he remembered where and why he was there.

"Yeah… right. Can I come in?" he asked, instead of just barging his way in. He did his best to respect other people's privacy and personal space, unless they were nasty hun dans.

"If you must," came the irate reply.

Jayne stepped over the threshold and closed the door behind him. He crossed and uncrossed his arms over his chest a few times nervously before finally settling on crossed.

"Look, I really am sorry River," he said. He figured it best to be truthful. "I had no idea that would happen or what was so wrong about why I took you there." He paused not sure how to continue. "Simon helped me see how that wouldn't be a nice thing for you, and I am sorry I didn't think about it. I don't blame you none for being angry with me."

Angry? River fumed to herself. Angry barely began to describe how she felt. She had been angry when she realised Jayne was taking her to a brothel. She was livid when she realised it was one of his frequent haunts. She was numb with rage when Jayne was approached by several whores. She was surprised that she hadn't killed anyone there!

She was even more surprised that she had wanted to kill anyone over Jayne Cobb, uncouth lout!

She also realised that Jayne truly had no intention of hurting her. He really had just taken her there because he liked the food and people, but it didn't make her feel any better about the evening. She began pacing again.

"You… you… _YOU!_" The usually loquacious genius was lost for words. Fortunately Jayne Cobb had a pretty good idea of what she was trying to say.

"Yeah, I know, and agree," he said apologetically.

"It was just so…"

"Yeah."

"And there were so many…"

"I know."

"And all the…"

"I can only say I'm sorry."

"It was…," she sighed, "I forgive you."

"Like I said – _what_?" Jayne was stumped. That was quick. He'd expected her to give him a good chewing out before simmering down enough to let him off the hook.

"I forgive you," she said dejectedly as she sank into her bed. "You didn't intend offence or harm, you just didn't know any better."

Jayne sat next to her, a little shocked. And apparently just as articulate as she.

"But what I did… it was so…"

"Indeed."

"I didn't even think about…"

"So I realised."

"And then there were all the…"

"Too true."

"Will you at least let me make it up to you?"

"Absolutely – _what?!?_" It was her turn to be caught off guard. "You want me to go on another date with you?" She was pretty incredulous. After such a horrible evening, he still expected her to give a relationship with him another chance?

"Your brother said he or Inara would choose the place this time." He was getting worried now. Maybe he had blown it for good.

River carefully studied his face. She concentrated on staying out of his thoughts and trying not to pry. After all, she liked the occasional surprise and Simon and Inara would make sure he didn't screw it up again.

He seemed completely sincere in his apology, but there was something else that was compelling her to accept that she couldn't quite figure out. She would have to think on it later.

"Okaaay," she conceded slowly. "I will go out with you once more."

Jayne smiled big and wide… plenty of teeth.

"But," she amended quickly, Jayne's smile froze, uncomfortably, "only as long as Simon and Inara are responsible for the venue."

Jayne's teeth disappeared, but the smile remained.

"That's fine by me." Jayne got up to leave. "I'll let you know about the details then."

River nodded and Jayne decided not to overstay his welcome, he knew he was on thin ice.

As her door closed, River reached over for her drawing pad. She needed to think. She wanted to figure out what it was that compelled her to give Jayne a second chance.

It could take a while.


	8. Extreme Makeover: Pilot Edition

Jayne knew the time had come.

It was time to face the music… bite the bullet… pay the piper and all those other things.

He knocked on the hatch doorway.

"Jayne!" came Wash's cheery reply. "Come to try and take over the ship again?"

Jayne ignored the smaller mans jibes and slowly lowered himself into the co-pilot's chair.

"Ah," Wash nodded sagely, "you have finally come for my advice young grasshopper."

Jayne grimaced, this was not going to go well. Not only was he gonna have to suffer the little man's insults, but he was gonna be tortured and killed by Zoe after he killed her husband.

"Wash, I came for advice, but I'll settle for murder if I have to," he growled through clenched teeth.

Wash froze. He could see the mercenary wasn't joking. Time to be sensible.

"Ok, Jayne… so I hear you screwed up again," he said with a jaunty smile. Well, he was Wash after all… he could only be so much of a sensible person.

"I already told her I was sorry an' she's agreed to go on one more date with me." Jayne was hoping they could move on past the usual teasing. "I need your advice on how to turn one date into more."

"Of course, I'll just get my magic wand," Wash said sarcastically. He sighed, the man had been making an effort and they did have to stick together to withstand the women. "What have the other men told you?" No point rehashing old advice.

Jayne thought for a minute.

"Well, Book said I should apologise for all the bad things I done. And I did. Mal said I should be nice and buy presents and stuff. And I did that too. Simon said I should take an interest in what she likes. And I'm gonna."

Wash was shocked. If Jayne needed someone to tell him to do those things he was gonna take a lot of work.

Might as well start with the upcoming date.

"Right, where are you going for this date?" he asked.

"No idea."

"What do you mean 'no idea'?" Wash thought he would have picked the place considering how much effort he'd applied so far.

"Simon suggested dancing and he agreed to pick a place," Jayne explained.

"Oh... that's actually quite a smart plan," Wash conceded. "You know how to dance I assume?"

Jayne nodded; he didn't want to explain how he knew how to dance to the little man. Wash already had enough ammo for his jokes.

"Ok, so what more do you need?" Wash had seen the changes the usually coarse rim-worlder was going through and was quite impressed.

"Well, she's friendly enough and all, but she still only sees 'Jayne Cobb – Hired Gun.' I need to get her ta see past that."

Wash was getting creeped out. It seemed that not only was Jayne Cobb capable of improving himself, but he also had insights!

"Jayne, there's not much I can do… If she's not interested then ya can't force her."

Jayne thought for a moment… And added to the list of things that creep Wash out, Jayne Cobb thinking.

"You always said that Zoe took convincin', how did ya get her attention?"

This was getting to be too much! Who the hell was this reasonably intelligent and insightful man and what had he done with their lewd, crude, killing machine?

Wash kept his thoughts to himself lest the grouchy 'shoot-first-regret-it-later' merc suddenly re-appear.

But Wash suddenly realised that Jayne had hit upon the solution.

"Come with me," he said as he set the auto-pilot and gave his instruments one last check.

"Why?" Jayne asked warily, he was still worried about what the ship's joker might try.

"Do you want River to notice you or not?"

Jayne nodded resignedly and rose to follow Wash.

A few minutes later they were standing outside Inara's shuttle as Wash knocked on the hatch window.

The door opened to reveal the ever immaculate companion… slightly dishevelled.

Mal's face appeared behind her.

"Inara," Wash began cheerfully, "I have brought you a human doll to play dress-up with."

Mal and Jayne wore matching expressions of horror. Inara wore something akin to malicious glee.

Mal groaned. "This has to do with my Li'l Albatross?" he asked.

Jayne ducked his head whilst Wash nodded a little too enthusiastically.

"I ain't stickin' around for this creep show!" he said as he hastily bid a retreat to the bridge.

"Come in, come in," Inara said, holding the door open for them. "Should we get Kaylee and Zoe?" Inara asked, feeling a little guilty at being able to have all the fun herself.

"No, they will be the guinea pigs!" Wash said, ever enthusiastic.

Inara led Jayne to the centre of the room and began circling him and inspecting him.

Jayne was beginning to feel like a horse up for sale. He wondered if Mal inspected Serenity like this before he bought her.

Inara finally sat down on the sofa next to Wash who was watching with unabashed joy.

Jayne just stood there like a man awaiting his death sentence.

"First things first," Inara stated. "He needs a wash and to loose those clothes."

Wash was nodding like a child being asked if he wanted more chocolate pudding.

Jayne didn't know whether to feel insulted or defeated.

"Jayne you may use my shower, use _soap_," Inara ordered, "and when you are finished just come out with your towel on. Do _not_ get dressed. Wash will go and retrieve your…" Inara's face suddenly looked like she had a horrible taste in her mouth, "… _wardrobe?_"

Jayne looked like he was going to object.

"Do you want River to notice you?" Wash asked as he stood to leave.

Jayne nodded and headed for the shower as Wash exited the shuttle.

"Oh, and Jayne," Inara called sweetly as he reached the bathroom door. He paused and turned to face her, "if you don't wash properly I will send you back till you get it right, even if I have to come in and do it for you."

Jayne's face was frozen for a split second before he leered hungrily at the former companion. Hell, he weren't gonna turn down a free sponge bath from a former fancy whore! He was a man after all!

Inara, clearly shocked as she realised what she said, quickly retracted her previous statement. "Actually, I'll send Simon in."

Jayne's face ran the gamut of emotions from shocked and disgusted all the way to nauseated.

He beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom, determined to sparkle and gleam on his exit.

Inara grinned evilly, she was going to have to get Wash a present for giving her this opportunity to not only play dress-up with the highly attractive man, but also for being able to turn the tables after years of his crude comments and leers.

Jayne stripped down and entered the shower. He turned on the water not bothering to wait for it to heat up. Years of rationing in the black and on desert moons had taught him that cold water was better than no water.

Having got himself nicely soaked and the water warmed to a decent temperature, Jayne turned to the cabinet built into the wall to retrieve the soap.

He opened the cabinet and froze.

"Rutting hell!" he muttered to himself. "Inara! Which one is the gorram soap?!" he called out to her as he surveyed a hundred or more bottles, tubes and other containers.

"The green one," came the distant reply.

Jayne resisted the urge to bang his head on the wall in frustration.

"There are thirteen ruttin' green ones!" he said, getting really frustrated.

"The chartreuse one."

That did it, what in the name of his dear departed Aunt Bertha was 'chartreuse'?

Jayne cut the water and grabbed a towel which he wrapped around his waist. It was a little small and left a big slit down his right thigh. He stomped out into the shuttle.

"Inara, I come from a simple world were we deal in just a few basic colours," he informed her. "I ain't got a ruttin' clue what 'chartreuse' is. Would you please just go and find what you want me to use and leave it on the side?"

Jayne was desperately trying to remember he was in a lady's quarters and barely dressed. His Ma would castrate him if he forgot his manners, especially as decency already had one leg out the window.

Inara suppressed a smirk and went into the shower to sort things out. She was a little nauseated at the sight of all the black grime that was left in the shower… he had only been in there for two minutes! She turned the shower back on to let it warm up and clean as she sorted through her various soaps.

As Jayne waited for Inara, Wash returned with Jayne's clothes. He was a little stunned to see the large man standing nearly naked in the middle of the room.

"Ah," Wash said as realisation dawned, "got confused by all the soaps. Zoe has at least thirty bottles in the shower."

"'Nara's got more'n a hundred," Jayne groused.

Wash's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Jayne," Inara called as she walked back in, "I have placed the bottles to use on the counter. Use them from left to right and read the instructions."

Jayne slouched back off to the bathroom.

"Does he know he was wearing a hand towel?" Wash asked.

"No, but it was hard not to laugh," Inara responded.

Wash just smiled.

"I saw Zoe and told her what we're up to. She's gonna brief Kaylee and Simon, figured the Doc might have some insights," Wash told her.

"Excellent idea, Simon has always taken pride in his appearance," Inara confirmed.

The unusual pair set to work on Jayne's wardrobe. Nearly every t-shirt had an image of some naked lady or obscene phrase.

Inara kept making disgusted noises of disapproval.

Wash just laughed every now and again and wondered if Zoe would let him keep some.

They finally had two piles; a small pile of acceptable outfits and a large pile of 'clothes Jayne may never wear again.' The latter kept threatening to topple off the bed.

Jayne finally emerged from the bathroom… still barely covered in the hand towel.

After a short argument between Wash and Inara during which Wash claimed he was going to go blind and be haunted by nightmares of a barely naked Jayne, Inara procured a larger towel and a stool for Jayne to sit on.

"It's got to go," Wash stated after a minute of silent yet intent observation as the two makeover consultants circled Jayne.

"Really?" Inara questioned. "I actually think it suits him."

"He needs something drastic to make River look twice," Wash stated. "If they want he can always grow it back."

"Wait, you talking about my goatee?" Jayne suddenly asked, catching on. "But it makes me look all intimidatin' and stuff," he whined.

"Jayne," Inara said, "you are a man with hulking muscles and lots of guns, a little bit of facial hair is not going to make you any more or less intimidating." Inara tried to comfort him.

Jayne did not look convinced.

"Besides," Wash joined, "anyone makes fun of ya or doesn't take you seriously… you can always break their arms."

Jayne smiled and nodded cheerfully at the thought.

Inara turned to a large cupboard and returned with a razor, shaving cream, aftershave and a towel.

She began to apply the cream to Jayne's face and shave the stubble from his jaw.

Jayne didn't have any worries about Inara's abilities with a razor blade. Many a time he had purchased a shave as part of a package when being serviced by a whore. He found out the hard way that sex and shaving don't mix though. He spent two days in the infirmary one time when he caused the whore to slip and nick his neck. Any closer and he would have bled out.

Having finished with the razor, Inara cleaned the remaining shaving cream off with the towel and applied the aftershave.

She stood back to admire her work.

Wash was impressed; there was a handsome man beneath the dirt and stubble. He turned to addressed Inara, whose mouth was open slightly.

"Er… 'Nara?" Wash prompted. "Are you drooling?" he asked incredulously.

She didn't respond. She just kept staring.

"Inara!" Wash said louder. He poked her in the arm.

"Oh, Wash… did you say something?"

"You're drooling," Wash stated.

"Sorry," she said as she dabbed her mouth, "I was distracted."

"Is that what you call it?" Wash teased. "Let's hope Mal never finds out!"

Inara glared at Wash.

"Er, isn't this gonna be a problem when I take River out?" Jayne asked, getting very uncomfortable with the way Inara was gaping at him.

"How do you mean, Jayne?" Inara asked, calling on her training not to stare and lose control again.

"How am I gonna take River somewhere without women assaulting us again? I mean if 'Nara can barely control herself then how are less controlled women gonna do it?" he asked.

Wash just fell about laughing at the idea as he recalled hearing how their last date went.

Inara didn't know whether to be insulted at Jayne pointing out her earlier slip or pleased that he considered her to have great self control.

Eventually, Wash stopped laughing and pointed out that one word from River about killing with her brain or a few martial arts moves and they won't be bothered by anyone.

Jayne was still sceptical as he remembered the scene at the whore house.

"Can we move to the part where I get dressed?" Jayne asked adjusting his towel. "I'm feelin' a mite exposed."

Jayne looked curiously at Inara whose eyes were glazing over again.

"Inara?" he asked.

Wash poked her arm again.

"Hmm, sorry, you were saying?" she said, shaking herself from her stare.

"You were imagining what was under his towel!" Wash cried incredulously.

"I was not!" Inara returned indignantly. "I was just… just…" she stumbled, trying to save face."I was wondering about what colours would go best with his tones," she said triumphantly.

Wash snorted in disbelief and Jayne rolled his eyes as he turned to the two piles of his clothes on the bed.

"Yeah," he said as he picked up a dark blue shirt off the smaller pile. "I've been meaning to throw some of these out or give 'em away." Jayne turned to show the shirt to Wash and Inara.

Their faces were a mask of shock as they stared in disbelief at the half naked man before them.

"What?" Jayne asked. He suddenly checked his towel thinking he was showing more than he was supposed to. No, all covered. "Whatcha staring at?"

Wash was the first to regain the power of speech.

"We are throwing out the other pile ya big moron!" Wash exclaimed. On seeing the merc about to protest, he continued, "and if you say a single word my wife will be happy to argue with you. You remember her, the beautiful Amazonian warrior? She who will rip your balls off and feed them to you?"

Jayne wisely shut his mouth and threw the shirt back on the pile looking longing at his favourite shirts destined to become trash.

After thirty painstaking minutes of getting the uncooperative man to try on different outfits, they finally had him in a blue buttoned shirt and khaki trousers.

The unlikely pair stepped back to admire their work. Inara tried valiantly not to stare but succumbed nonetheless. Wash had to poke her in the ribs to bring her back.

Before them stood a clean, shaved and well-dressed man. Wash actually had to remind himself that it was Jayne, he looked so different.

"Well, we've done all we can," Wash announced as if he was going to pull the plug on a patient. "And we seem to have pulled off a miracle," he said cheerfully.

Wash walked over to the comm and called Zoe, Simon and Kaylee to the shuttle.

Jayne shuffled uncomfortably on the spot. "I feel so ruttin' stupid," he groused.

"Jayne, stop grumbling," Inara chastised.

"Yeah, just think about the fact that if Inara can't stop staring, then River isn't gonna stand a chance," Wash said.

Jayne perked up and smiled at that thought.

Regrettably, Inara became entranced once more with his smile.

"Rutting hell," Wash muttered as he poked the former companion in the ribs… _again_.

There was a knock on the door as the three crew members arrived. Wash let them in and stepped back as Kaylee stepped over the threshold.

"Umph, mei-mei," Zoe said as she walked into the back of the mechanic as she stopped abruptly. "You're blocking the door way, honey."

"Aha," came the rather dreamy sigh from the mechanic who still hadn't moved.

Zoe looked up ahead of the mechanic to see what had got the girl's attention.

After about ten seconds of waiting, Simon, who was at the back of the line waiting to get in, suddenly had enough of waiting.

"Ladies?" he called. "We seemed to have stopped moving. Is everything ok in there, Wash?" He was getting a little worried.

"Oh, the ladies are fine, Simon. Hold on a sec," Wash called back as he led the stunned Kaylee to the sofa and then went to retrieve his wife.

"Uh, honey?" Wash shook his wife. "Hey, Lamby-toes, remember me? Your jealous, yet manly husband?"

"Um, yeah," Zoe said, slowly regaining her self-control. "Sorry, Wash, just a little shocked is all," she said as she allowed her husband to lead her to the sofa.

"What was the hold up?" Simon asked as he entered the shuttle. "Ta Ma De!"

"Well that was a different response," Wash said.

"Wow… that's just… what did…" Simon was at a loss for words.

"Well, at least you aren't staring like the ladies are."

Simon turned to the couch where Zoe, Inara and Kaylee were seated, staring at a very uncomfortable Jayne Cobb.

"KAYLEE!" Simon shrieked.

"Yeah?" she said dreamily.

Simon strode over to his girlfriend and shook her shoulders.

"Hmm, oh Simon, what are you doing here?" she asked.

Simon turned to Wash, "What did you do?"

"We just cleaned him up and gave him a shave." Wash shrugged. "Turns out he's quite the looker."

"Should I be jealous Husband?" came Zoe's teasing voice.

"You know, I only long to ogle you, my Amazonian queen!" he called over the Doc's shoulder.

Kaylee seemed to have regained function of her eyes and also her chipper attitude.

"We gotta show River!" she said, bouncing on the sofa. "There's no way she's gonna resist him now!"

"Hey, wait a minute, don't I get a say in this?" Jayne asked, getting rather annoyed at the fact that everyone was able to stare at him and ignore him at the same time.

"Jayne, don't you want River to notice you?" Wash said again.

"Yeah, but I feel a bit stupid still," he said sulking again.

"I can pretty much guarantee you won't feel stupid after River sees you," Wash assured him.

Simon walked over to the comm and called for River.

A few moments later River entered the shuttle.

"You do remember I'm a Reader and know what you've been…" River trailed off as she saw the strange man standing in the middle of the room. 'Thank you God for making Jayne!' she thought to herself. She shook her head as she realised what she was thinking.

She took a good long look at Jayne. No beard, clean skin, no naked women or rude phrases… his fingernails were clean!

She could feel Jayne was nervous, despite the lust pouring off the three other women in the shuttle.

"Why don't we give these two love-birds some privacy?" Wash said as he walked to his wife and pulled her and Inara off the sofa while Simon did the same with Kaylee.

"Try not to rip his clothes off, he hasn't got many good ones left," Wash whispered as he past River.

Suddenly River realised she was alone with this strange and yet, familiar, Adonis.

She walked halfway towards him.

"You did this for me?" she asked quietly.

"Well, yeah," he confirmed just as quietly. "I've been wanting you to notice me for some time now… Don't know if you realise this with your readin' an' all, but I've fallen in love with you, River Tam," Jayne declared nervously as he closed the gap between them.

River was a little shocked, she hadn't expected that. But then she had a thought.

"Do you think I could try and learn to love you?" she asked as she raised her hand to fondle his collar.

"I think that would be a mighty fine idea," Jayne said as he lowered his head to kiss her.

The remaining crew were gathered outside the shuttle waiting for the new couple.

The shuttle door opened and River emerged followed by Jayne, both wearing soppy grins.

"Oh my!" exclaimed Book.

"That ain't Jayne," declared Mal.

There was quiet click as Kaylee declared, "Got it!"

Jayne's grin left his face. "Kaywinnit-Lee Frye!" he roared. "You give me that capture now!" he demanded as he stomped towards her.

"No way, Jayne Cobb!" she said as she stomped her foot and pouted like a five year old. It stopped Jayne in his tracks as he wondered if she ever wore pigtails. "Your Mama deserves to see what you look like."

"There ain't no way that's Jayne Cobb!" came the Captains reiteration of disbelief.

Jayne's scowl left his face. "Fine," he said, "but that best be the only way it's used."

"Well I must congratulate Wash and Inara on a job well done," Book declared.

"Thank you, good sir," Inara said with a smile and a curtsy. Book laughed and took her arm as he led her to the mess.

Simon and Kaylee followed as Kaylee asked Simon if she should send Jayne's capture to a modelling agency.

"Dinner's in five you two," Zoe told River and Jayne as she and Wash led the bewildered Captain to the mess.

"But that can't be Jayne," Mal still protested.

"Just accept it Mal," Wash said exasperated.

River and Jayne were left alone on the catwalk.

"Would you go on a date with me?" River asked shyly.

"I already asked you that question," Jayne said confused.

"Yes, but after all the effort you've gone through, I think it's only fair that I put some in," she said as she tiptoed to kiss his cheek. "Will you escort me to dinner?"

Jayne stuck out his arm and led his new girlfriend towards the sound of the protesting Captain.


	9. An Interesting Month

Unsound Advice – Chapter 9

It was a good solid month before an appropriate dancing event was found by Simon and Inara.

Everyone, including Jayne, was surprised that they hadn't taken their relationship beyond making out and the odd foray past second base!

Simon even approached Jayne to make sure he wasn't suffering from… performance problems.

Kaylee was getting desperate for gossip and took to watching Mal and Simon like a hawk to make sure they weren't trying to interfere with the two killers' blossoming relationship.

That first meal after Jayne's triumphant exit from Inara's shuttle was very quiet. This was due to the obvious ogling on the part of the ladies and Mal desperately trying to come to terms with the fact that the well groomed man sitting at the table was Jayne and not Simon.

Wash and Book took great pleasure in pointing out to the ladies that they were drooling lecherously.

River was quite pleased. It wasn't so much that she liked him because he looked different, but that he had done it all for her. Of course it didn't hurt that he looked very swai!

Jayne on the other hand was torn between happiness at finally having won River over and intense un-comfortableness at the way the women were sizing him up like a piece of meat.

He'd never ogle at another woman like that again.

It was that same night of Jayne's makeover when Simon went to say good night to River, as per his nightly ritual. River was shocked to hear that her brother had realised a few months back that they would get together.

"Why?" River had asked from her bed as Simon turned to leave, her curiosity getting the better of her.

Simon turned round and took a second to organize his thoughts.

"First, it was clear that Jayne was serious. He even spoke to Shepherd about it," he pointed out. "Not to mention he asked advice from Mal of all people!"

"Why is that important?" she asked. After all, knowing everything is not the same as understanding everything.

"Shepherd Book is the only person Jayne confides in. If you were to be a sexual conquest he would never have bothered any of us, he probably would have kept it secret," Simon explained. "Jayne took great pains to ensure that we not only knew but that he got our advice. He did not want to hurt you."

River thought silently as she assimilated this knowledge.

"That's one reason. What are the others?" she asked, ever eager for knowledge.

"Your responses are the other reason," he told her as he sat down on the edge of her bed. "You told me that you were going to 'observe his changes.'" A slight smirk graced his features. "This told me that maybe, subconsciously, you had an interest beyond the scientific."

At this River sat up in her bed abruptly to protest, but Simon raised a hand to forestall her.

"Its called '_sub_conscious' for a reason mei-mei." River relaxed and slumped back into her pillow in defeat.

"What are the other reasons?" she asked with a small pout, it wasn't everyday that someone pointed out an intellectual oversight to her.

Simon rose from his perch on the end of the bed. "The other reasons you can figure out for yourself, they are just little things I noticed."

River spent a lot of time questioning the other ladies on the ship about why they thought they would get together. Needless to say that Kaylee had no decent reason beyond the fact that she thought they would be cute.

Inara and Zoe both explained that they were well suited for each other.

Mal point blank refused to discuss it as he was still trying to come to terms with his clean merc with the big guns.

Shepherd Book and Wash claimed they had no pre-conceived expectations, they just let things move as they will.

It was a week into their new relationship when a job went south… as usual… and Mal and Jayne were stuck off ship for a two whole days.

River was adamant that they weapon up and retrieve their captain and her new beau. It took the rest of the crew to convince her that they would be all right.

When they finally returned to the ship, River discovered something rather pleasing… stubble. She found that she enjoyed when Jayne's stubble rubbed just below her ear on her pulse point and she enjoyed rubbing her cheek against his chin.

And so… much to Mal's relief… the goatee returned.

River however was most disappointed to learn that she was too late to help with the washing of Jayne. It took many kisses to placate her.

Three weeks into their relationship Simon decided he needed to talk to Jayne about sex.

Jayne was lifting weights one evening in the hold. He sensed the young man's approach and dropped the weights into their holder.

"Is Shepherd Book not feeling well?" Simon asked, noting the preacher's absence.

"He's fine, just wanted to finish a letter to his friends back at the Abbey," Jayne informed him as he rose from the bench and began to towel off. "What's on your mind Doc?" Jayne preferred to get straight to the point. Simon didn't approach him for casual banter.

Simon shifted his weight uneasily. He was clearly uncomfortable with what he was about to say and his ear was taking the brunt of Simon's anxiety, receiving a severe tugging. Jayne was glad they didn't rely on him to bluff jobs. How the hell he had conned his way into the Academy to rescue River was beyond Jayne's comprehension.

"Jayne, the crew and I have noticed that River has never been in your bunk since you started courting… are you having problems with… things?" He finished lamely and edged around the weight bench. He felt it might be safer to keep Jayne out of hitting distance.

Jayne however was a little stumped. He just stared at Simon as if he had claimed he had created the 'Verse.

"I ain't got no problems with my equipment Doc," Jayne said, still slightly nonplussed. "Thanks for asking… I think?"

"Then why haven't you taken your relationship further?" Simon was confused as to why Jayne had not even attempted to make lewd insinuations to his mei-mei.

"Well… cause… ya know… I like her!" Jayne was fairly certain he was in love. He'd never felt this way before, but he wasn't gonna tell the doc this, he valued keeping both his man parts and his girl. And some day soon he was really hoping to combine the two.

Jayne hadn't been in love before, he usually paid for his sex and avoided the emotional attachments. River had always been sexually appealing to him, but she had also been interesting to him with her ability to take him down with a single blow and shoot men dead without looking.

Simon was beginning to tug little harder on his ear. Jayne wondered if River was serious about him pulling it off!

"Jayne, you have slept with many, many… many women, right?"

Jayne nodded, confusion settling deeper into his already bewildered expression.

"From what I have seen, you are a favoured customer?"

Jayne's expression flicked from confusion to horror faster than Mal with a quick-draw, how would the Doc know that, was he peeking through the keyholes?

Simon however saw where Jayne's mind had run to and quickly explained. "I mean the ladies at the brothels always approach you with familiarity… and speed." Whores would leave their paying customers faster than rats from a sinking ship when Jayne walked through the door. Not to mention the times he had been asked on the streets if he would be frequenting their place of business during their time planet side.

Relief washed over Jayne's face… and finally settled back on confusion.

"Doc, what's this gotta do with me an' River sleepin' together?" Jayne sat down on the weight bench and slung his towel over the bar.

Simon took a seat next Jayne on the bench. "My mei-mei has always been a bit wild. She always used to get what she wanted… mainly because she could argue her way into and out of anything. Suffice to say that I know my sister very well, but now I am experiencing a new side to River."

"Crazy? Psychic? Assassin?" Jayne was confused… still.

"Try sexually frustrated." Simon was clearly troubled speaking about his sister's sex life… or lack of one. This was evidenced by the blush that appeared to spread beneath his crisp clean shirt.

"But we ain't even slept together yet." Jayne just didn't understand. "I ain't even touched her over her clothes... down there," he added in a barely audible grumble. Simon wasn't the only one uncomfortable with this line of discussion.

"That appears to be the problem; she seems to think you do not want to sleep with her." Both men were staring at the floor, neither daring to look the other in the face.

"She was quite verbal on the subject this morning when she took to throwing her boots at me. I am beginning to wonder if the reason she doesn't wear them is so that she can throw them at me."

"Lemme get this straight, your mei-mei is all bent outta shape 'cuz we ain't gotten to the sexin' and you want me to… sex her?" Jayne knew that last part was crude even without Simon's cringe.

"I would settle for knowing what the problem is," Simon said. He didn't think he would be able to operate on Jayne comfortably ever again after this extremely embarrassing conversation. He mentally considered tutoring Zoe. After all, Wash seemed to enjoy playing nurse to Zoe's doctor.

"Is there a specific reason as to why you, Jayne Cobb, most sought after client in most whore houses, doesn't want to sleep with River?" Simon asked. He decided not to mention the fact that Inara had told him that his legend had reached the Companion Training schools. The man with a girl's name who never left a woman wanting.

"I just want to make sure I do right by her. She's a core girl after all. You people have different ways of doin' things," Jayne tried to explain, but he wasn't sure he was doing a good job of it by the dubious raised eyebrow directed his way.

"Jayne, River may have been raised in the Core, but she never accepted its ways and traditions," Simon informed him. "She spent much time debating these things with our father and he never won, but he never altogether lost… being able to call bedtime was his way out."

Jayne scratched his head as he tried to work his mind through the maze of conflicting customs. Simon tried not to smirk at the extreme look of concentration on Jayne's face.

"So…" Jayne began carefully, he didn't want to say the wrong thing, "River's waitin' for me to go sex her and nobody cares 'bout no core rules?"

Simon pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, there were just far too many occurrences of the words 'River' and 'sex' in the same sentences.

Simon couldn't bring himself to speak the words or look at Jayne so he just nodded, knowing that Jayne was staring at him waiting for as answer.

"Huh!" was all Jayne said.

Simon squeezed his eyes tighter and shook his head slowly in defeat.

"Just be careful with her Jayne, she is young and a virg-"

"RIVER!"

Simon back as the large man suddenly yelled his sister's name.

Jayne also stood and marched out of the cargo bay towards the cockpit screaming on his way.

"River!" he called. "You and me gotta date in my bunk!"

There was an excited squeal heard from the cockpit and then the ship wide announcement came on.

"Wash, you are needed in the cockpit! Captain, I will be unavailable for, erm…" Rivers voice trailed off as she could be heard conferring with her boyfriend who had just reached the cockpit.

"An hour?" came the curious disembodied and distant whisper.

There was no answer.

"Two?"

Still no response.

"Four!" came the incredulous whisper.

There was the slight sound of an exasperated grunt.

River's voice came back clearer.

"We will be unavailable until further notice."

Simon headed to Inara's shuttle with the intent to persuade her to disengage from Serenity and fly out as far away as possible. That or he would need a large sedative.

River and Jayne were not seen for two days… but they were definitively heard.

It was on that second day that none of the crew found the courage to try and interrupt the two most dangerous people on the ship, no one put it past Jayne and River to kill anyone who got so much as a glimpse of the other's skin.

Mal and Zoe decided to make the drop themselves. Jayne's intimidating bulk and River's crazy-assed stare were sorely missed as the buyers decided to try and take the ship. It was only the sound of bullets and Kaylee's fear that roused the lovers from their sated slumber.

Jayne emerged on the catwalk dressed in just his boxers; River was wearing just his t-shirt.

River managed to shoot four dead but the other two caused more of a problem as they were stationed under the catwalk and upon realising they could see up River's t-shirt and that she was… nekkid… he proceeded to beat them to death until Mal and Zoe pulled him off of them. One didn't survive so the other was released to spread Mal's usual sermon of "we do the job we get paid".

River and Jayne once again escaped to Jayne's bunk on the grounds that… "Jayne's hands needed to be tended to as he split them open on the nasty man's face."

The pouty lips and puppy-dog eyes reduced Mal to absolute goo… River was pretty convincing too.

So a month to the day that Jayne "emerged like a butterfly from the chrysalis that is Inara's shuttle" (Wash was later rescued from the airlock by Inara), River and Jayne were getting ready for their first dance together.

They were docked on Persephone and Inara had garnered them invites to the same event that Mal had picked a fight with Atherton Wing at.

Inara and Kaylee had grudgingly agreed to help River get dressed; both were far more interested in helping Jayne get ready.

All four males were helping Jayne to make himself respectable. (It took all four males according to Wash who fled the room briefly, fearing the airlock.)

Jayne was fast beginning to appreciate the clothes Wash and Inara had previously dressed him in during his original makeover and month previously, the monkey suit he was currently sporting was far from comfortable.

Once again when Jayne entered the cargo bay the women lost control of their mouths which hung slack.

The men, however, fared little better when River emerged in one of Inara's altered dresses.

The crew watched in stunned silence as the dazzling pair walked out into the Eavesdown Docks and into the night.

When Mal regained his self control he began to pray desperately to his forgotten God that Jayne would behave himself and keep River safe.

Simon on the other hand was only praying his sister would behave.


	10. Dancing With The Devils

Harold Farber III ruled an empire that spanned the system

Lord Harold Farber III ruled an empire that spanned the system. He had offices on four planets and factories and holdings on twelve planets.

This was the first time that he had been invited to the Persephone Ball. Most people looked down their noses at him and thought themselves better than him.

He was extremely shocked to hear the names…

"Mr. Jayne Cobb and Miss River Tam."

…announced by the attendants.

Cobb he knew as the muscle for hire aboard the cargo ship Serenity. Miss Tam he knew as the recent fugitive from the Alliance Agents and Parliament's Operative.

"Hey, Badger, ain't that the Li'l girl that 'lliance operative was after?" Came the annoying question from his left shoulder.

"I told you not to call me that here, its Lord Farber. And yes that is the Li'l bit." Badger was beginning to regret not hiring outside protection for his first foray into high society.

"Maybe we should nab 'er and turn 'er in?" Came an even more uncouth voice from his right.

"Maybe you should shut your hole before I give you a new one!" Badger hissed as quietly as he could.

He tried not to speak to many people at this function as his accent gave away his common upbringing, his father was the nobleman but his lowly servant of a mother had raised him.

It was on his father's death that he had inherited his father's estate and title at the age of 25, he was already quite the crime lord in his own right and decided that having a legal business would be beneficial.

So here he was attending his first official shindig as a respectable member of the community with his… not so respectable… "attendants"; and who should walk in but some recently wanted government fugitive on the arm of Reynolds' hired muscle.

This is why he didn't gamble – at least not with his own money – the fates hated him. They have sense of humour that should be overlooked by mortals lest they desire a long stay in a padded room and total frontal lobotomy, their sense of humour would drive the average person insane.

At this point Badger was just hoping that they could avoid each other and pretend the other didn't exist. Well, this was a Tuesday like any other? Why would the fates decide he deserved a break?

River was floating on waves of happiness and feeling very pretty, being on the arm of a very handsome man who was capable of making her toes curl – which when she thought about it didn't count for much coming from a prima ballerina and decided to spend the following day coming up with a better analogy.

Jayne was nervous but determined to make the evening perfect for River. He had even agreed to leave all weapons at home - even Binky.

River could feel both Jayne's apprehension and determination. She had already laid out plans in her mind to treat him later… that it would involve Vera, their bunk, their bed and very little else.

As they stepped onto the dance floor River turned to Jayne.

"I have good news and bad news." She informed him.

"Any chance the bad news won't affect us?" Jayne asked hopefully.

River gave him her patented 'duh' look.

"Fine, good news first." Jayne grumbled.

"I'm so happy that I will be showing you how much later when we get home - with Vera." She whispered in his ear.

The giddiness was flowing off of Jayne so much that she was loath to give him the bad news.

"Jayne, the bad news?" She reminded him.

"Oh… yeah… ok, spoil my mood." Jayne said trying to frown, but failing.

"Badgers here." She said as she closed her eyes in fear of the onslaught.

Jayne's face fell suddenly. But then, after a moment's thought…

"S'not like we have to talk to 'im is it?" He asked hopefully.

"No… but when the Captain arrives he will not be able to stop from interrogating him as to why he survived the Alliance rousting of all our associates by the Operative." She told him still bracing for the cursing and ranting.

"What the gorram hell is the cap'n coming here for?!" Jayne demanded incredulously.

"Wanted to take Inara somewhere nice. The others will also be here for the same reason… although Wash just wanted to get Zoe into something 'slinky'."

Jayne sighed.

"Will I at least get to pound on Badger some?" He asked, desperate for something good to happen… not that having River weren't all kindsa shiny but this kinda shindig weren't really his kinda deal.

"No fighting!" She told him sternly. Jayne's face fell. "But you may be very intimidating." Jayne's smile returned.

"Well, ain't no reason can't enjoy the evenin' 'til Mal comes to spoil the night." Jayne reasoned. "Can I pound on Mal?" He asked as an after thought.

"I'll think about it."

Simon and Kaylee were the first to arrive, Simon looking very dapper, Kaylee looking every inch like Little Bo Peep looking for her sheep at some swanky soiree.

River was impressed by the fact that Kaylee was not upset with Simon. She fully expected her ge ge to have managed to shove his foot in his mouth. She was so proud of him.

Shepherd Book had offered to stay on ship and keep an eye on things; he also had the inevitable bail money and rescue weapons to hand.

Mal and Inara were the next to arrive, Inara looking as regal as ever with Mal as the perfect accessory, something Simon and Wash would later take great pleasure in teasing the Captain about.

Eventually Wash and Zoe arrived. Zoe turning heads the second she stepped through the door. River was on the verge of berating Jayne for staring at Zoe when she realised he was staring at Wash who was barely recognisable without his trademark loud shirts.

Zoe arrived just in time to prevent Mal from killing Badger and Mal from getting shot by his bodyguards. Wash just stared in pure pleasure as his wife moved in perfect slinky-ness.

Jayne gave River a quick peck on the lips before joining Zoe in backing the Captain up.

River began to get goose bumps as her man went all tough and growly.

"Thing of beauty, ain't it, watching our loved ones move like that?" Wash remarked as he sidled up to a moon eyed River.

"Definitely." Came the contented sigh.

Regrettably River was so engrossed in her man that she was barely aware that Wash had fallen to the floor, she finally snapped out long enough to realise that someone had injected her with a sedative and that she was being dragged away.

Her last thoughts were that Jayne and Zoe were going to be so mad and the Captain was going to get shot rescuing her.

River was right on the first count.

Zoe was pissed about Wash getting hurt. She had the Shepherd outside the Ball Room with Simon's med kit and a good deal of Serenity's arsenal. He was very careful in the handling of Vera.

Jayne was also enraged about River being taken. This was evidenced by the fact that he had instructed the Shepherd to enter his bunk and retrieve a good deal of his girls. Anyone touching his guns usually failed to wake up the next day.

River was wrong about Mal getting shot - for the moment.

"Do we know who took her?" Inara asked.

"No clues were left, there's been no ransom demand yet and the Simon and Kaylee are gonna call if they get one." Zoe told her.

"What about the people in the ballroom? They must have seen something." Wash pointed out.

"Probably did, whether or not they'll tell us is another matter." Mal was strapping up as was everyone but Inara. Even Book was packing heat.

"Well, they took my girl and clobbered Wash." Jayne said as he checked Vera. "I say Cap'n and 'Nara go check for witnesses and Zoe and I go persuade Badger that we may not kill 'im if he helps us."

"Why don't I get to persuade Badger?" Mal whined.

"'Cause someone needs to go with 'Nara, Zo' and I have a personal stake in this."

"Fine," Mal grumped, "but next time Badger needs persuading, I get first shot."

"Not to worry sir," Zoe consoled, "safe to say Badger will require persuading at some point."

"Ok then, Wash and Book stay with the Mule and keep it running in case we catch a break, the rest of us, lets go." Mal ordered.

Despite Inara's connections and claiming River was her favoured niece, she was unable to glean anything other than the fact that she was taken by some rather unsavoury looking thugs whom they had no idea how they were able to get past security.

This, however, was enough to give Mal the idea to see if the incident was captured on the surveillance systems.

Badger knew he was going to get the blame for the incident with Cobb's girl and had tried to bid a hasty retreat.

He did quite well considering he made it to his mule out front.

He was fairly startled when his two bodyguards crumpled to the floor beside him.

As he felt a strong yet slender hand grip his shoulder he felt a distinct heat spread through his pants and his underwear seemed to sag slightly from an added weight.

"What the hell!" Jayne exclaimed. "Gorram rodent crapped his pants."

As unlucky as the two warriors were to be exposed to Badger's stench, they were fortunate enough that the wanna' be crime lord hadn't fainted, no need to revive him.

"Alright ya li'l runt," Jayne began, "we don't plan to kill ya, yet."

Badger seemed to visibly relax at that.

"But that don't mean we can't do some persuading. You don't cooperate and I start cutting bits of, next time you see 'em will be when you check ya post, dong ma?" Jayne drew his knife and began testing the edge.

At this point Badger turned a remarkable shade of green and Zoe was just quick enough to turn the terrified little man away from them before he vomited all over the terrifying duo.

"This spewing of bodily fluids… this one of them 'defensive mechanisms'?" Jayne asked as he watched on in amusement.

Zoe opting for the silent approach merely shrugged, she was quite happy to let Jayne do all the talking and would only step in if Badger looked to have a heart attack.

Eventually the stream of bodily fluids seemed to dry up.

"Right, pretty obvious what we wanna' know." Jayne said as he hauled the quivering mass of human to its feet. "But I'll spell it out for ya just so's there ain't no misunderstandings." Jayne took a step closer and placed his knife behind Badgers ear ready to slice it off.

"Who took my woman and beat on Zoe's man?"

"I s-s-s-swear I d-d-d-don't know, bu-u-u-U-U-U-u-ut," Jayne had begun to slice but stopped at the panicked plea, "I swear if ya find out who did it I'll help ya try an' find 'em, I'll even give ya first pick o' all my jobs and pay ya double."

It was pretty obvious that the little man wasn't holding back and was far from inclined to try and lie to the heavily armed man and woman.

Jayne looked to Zoe who gave a barely noticeable nod.

"Very well, we'll let you walk away intact. We find out you had any involvement in this, and I mean if you even know a friend of a friend of a friend of someone who was involved, then you'll be receiving your body parts in the mail on a regular basis."

Jayne shoved the little man to the ground without a seconds glance and stomped off, Zoe falling into step beside him.

"Think Mal and Inara had any luck?" Jayne asked.

"Hope so, probably safe to say they're having a less fragrant experience." She said with a small smile.

"Well, I feel sorry for whoever took River, she ain't gonna be too happy when she wakes up." Jayne said as they approached the mule were the others were waiting with Mal and Inara.

"I'm just hoping she leaves some for us." Zoe replied.

After a quick round of reporting from each team, Wash and Mal went round to find Badger to see if he recognised the thugs caught on the surveillance systems kidnapping River.

Jayne and Zoe, refused on the grounds that:

"We already scared the crap out of him, I really don't wanna' see what's next."

On their return, Wash was looking a little green and Mal was smirking.

"Seems like Badger has developed an aversion to you two. Says he's promising us first choice on all jobs so long as he never sees you two again." Mal said grinning.

"He also needs to get his colon checked for infection!" Wash exclaimed. "He stinks worse than Jayne when we first met."

"Yeah, well, you would too, was the only way to make sure Marco and his lot didn't try and get frisky." Jayne groused.

"Can we please hurry this up? River is out there somewhere." Inara begged, worried for her friend.

"Ain't worried 'bout her." Jayne snorted. "More worried 'bout us not getting in on the action."

"As true as that may be, I think her brother would appreciate his sister returned as soon as possible." Inara pointed out.

"Sooner we find her, sooner we get to have some fun." Zoe remarked.

"Well, 'ccording ta Badger, these are Ol' Ath's men." Mal said rising up on the balls of his feet in glee.

"Tell 'em the best part Mal." Wash bounced happily beside him.

"Ah yes," Mal said sagely, "turns out your ol' beau, works for another friend of ours—"

"NISKA!" Came Wash's excited cry.

"I wanted to tell 'em!" Mal whined.

"You were taking to long!" Wash complained.

"Mal forgive me for asking, but why does this make you two so happy?" Book asked smiling as he couldn't help but be amused at the antics of his friends, despite his worry for River.

"Get settle two scores at once." Zoe said with a slight smirk.

"I still don't understand why you aren't worried, especially you Jayne, I thought you loved River!" Inara cried exasperated, tears threatening to fall.

Mal saw her distress and took her in his arms.

Zoe looked her in the eyes and explained their lack of concern.

"'Nara, in the few year we've known River she's managed to convince a cold-hearted bounty hunter that she was the ship and get him thrown into the black. She's escaped from a locked room and taken down Jayne twice. She's destroyed a bar whilst killing the patrons one at a time. She shot three men straight between the eyes without looking. She's warned us of at least one Reaver attack. She convinced all of us to trek through Reaver space and back again, and to take on the Alliance by our lonesomes. And she took out forty to fifty Reavers in a room with one exit."

"And that was when she weren't quite right in the head." Wash added.

"Suffice to say darlin'," Mal told her as he gave a comforting squeeze, "She'll probably be sitting in their complex waiting for us to find her with dead bodies all around her."

"Well I demand that we go and get her, something might go wrong." Inara pleaded, seeing their point but still scared for River.

"We will, we're gonna drop you, Shepherd and Wash off at Serenity and take a shuttle to go pick her up." Mal said as he helped her into the mule.

Simon and Kaylee were just as worried as Inara, as the Mal, Zoe and Jayne left in the spare shuttle Wash was trying to cheer them up by retelling some of his stories.

It turned out that Niska had taken up on a planetary base. Seems he lost his fondness for space stations after his last one started to fall apart around him after the crew of Serenity rescued their Captain.

His new base was underground; this suited the three heavily armed would-be rescuers just fine, as they didn't have to worry about causing decompression.

They had decided on a very complicated plan of shoot everyone in the knees and then ask questions, kill 'em if they fail to cooperate and then kill everyone else once they have the information they need as to River's whereabouts. Jayne was very pleased with this plan… probably because it was his. Zoe and Mal were in no mood to argue.

Upon reaching the entrance their progress went quite well. The four guards were incapacitated and Mal and Zoe stood back whilst Jayne had a little chat with them about how to get in and where River was being held.

Information began to flow freely after Jayne literally spilled the guts of the first guard all over the floor.

Apparently River was at the bottom of the installation twenty levels down. Access was easy once the terrified guards handed over their keycards.

The trio moved in side and worked their way down through the floors looking to eliminate guards lest they find themselves under siege at the bottom.

"This ain't no fun!" Jayne complained on the fifth level. "Where are they all?"

"No idea Jayne," Mal responded, "Think our Li'l Albatross could have something to do with this?"

"We were expecting her to be able to handle the bulk of the forces before we got here." Zoe pointed out.

"Yeah, but she knows how much I'd enjoy getting some action." Jayne whined.

"Worse comes to worse Jayne, its U-Day next week, after Miranda it should ten times as fun!" Mal consoled with a smirk.

"Hell yeah!" Jayne perked up considerably.

Upon reaching the nineteenth floor they finally came across some resistance, around fifty guards were crowded around the entrance to the twentieth floor weapons ready to decimate anyone who walked out.

The three retreated back to the eighteenth to consider their plan of action.

"Well, they ain't looking our way so we could just mow them down from behind by surprise. Just don't seem very sporting." Mal suggested disgusted at the thought.

"Don't think anyone who would work for those two hundans deserves sporting." Zoe pointed out.

"Yeah well, if we do just start shooting maybe we should be careful in case River decides to join the fight." Mal said. "Zoe, think you can thin the herd a little?" Mal asked his first mate.

"I should be able to take out several from the back. I'll give you a signal and then you can start firing and I'll slip behind take out some more." Zoe confirmed as she pulled out a wicked looking knife.

Jayne just grinned and pulled out a metal tube.

"River made me this silencer for Vera, figure I could make it through the vent and cover you from above."

"Which leaves me to scream and make loud noises with my big gun here when they realise their buddies are dying around them." Mal said gleefully whilst he checked his weapon.

"Jayne, get into position and signal over the com when your ready, Zoe will start to drop them, they figure it out I'll join the fray."

Jayne just nodded and made his way to the nearest air vent.

Mal and Zoe had always been two sides of the same coin, Zoe was quiet, methodical and could dispatch an opponent before they realised they weren't alone.

Mal tended to go in guns blazing.

Being a sniper, Jayne was more than comfortable to sit back and wait for his victims to cross his path.

From his vantage point Jayne was able to observe Zoe's progress through the fifty odd guards focused on the twentieth floor.

She made it through ten before on sneezed and happened to fall back just enough to trip over one of his fallen comrades.

Jayne was able to take him out and Zoe only just managed to catch him before he fell into another of his comrades and gave the whole game away.

Zoe managed another ten bodies before she could do no more without alerting the rest to her presence.

Zoe retreated to the side whilst Jayne signalled Mal it was his turn.

Mal stood up and simply began to hold down the trigger on his machine gun, whilst screaming his lungs out.

Jayne began picking off any one who might be a threat to Zoe who had snuck behind them and had resumed picking them off.

They were down to five men when one of them in the throes of death sent a random bullet ricocheting around the room and landing in Mal's thigh.

Thus fulfilling yet another of River's predictions.

Mal ducked behind cover again whilst Zoe and Jayne made short work of the remaining five.

Zoe went to check on Mal whilst Jayne punched his way out of the vent to land on the floor below.

"Couldn't go one time without getting shot?" Jayne remarked.

"If you remember I didn't get shot on Mr. Universe's." Mal smirked.

"Nah, you just beaten to a pulp." Jayne retorted.

"Better hurry up so Simon can fix this." Zoe said as she tightened the tourniquet she had applied.

"Yeah, he'll never let me live this down." Mal griped. "Lets go get our Albatross."

As they entered the twentieth floor they noticed that it was littered with more bodies that they had not killed themselves.

"Looks like River's been busy." Zoe remarked.

They moved through the corridor to a heavily shielded door, which was quite obviously some sort of holding cell.

Mal stood back whilst Zoe and Jayne took up positions to breach the room. Zoe gave the countdown and Jayne kicked the door as Zoe released the latch.

The two entered the room taking up positions whilst Mal hobbled in behind them.

The three stopped and stared at the sight before them.

River, still dressed in her ball gown, was sitting on a stool watching them calmly. Tied to a similar metal structure Mal and Wash had once been stuck to were Niska and Wing.

Both seemed to be extremely terrified but otherwise unharmed.

"Erm, Albatross," Mal began, "watcha' doin'?" he asked.

"Waiting for you." She replied.

Suddenly Jayne was moving forward and grabbing River in huge hug.

"Missed you, too." River gasped as Jayne hugged her tighter. "Jayne, air– please!"

"Sorry, bao bei."

"So then River, have they told you why they tried to kidnap you?" Mal asked as he approached the two men currently tied up.

"Thought I was the best way to get to you."

"Not the most original of motives." Zoe noted.

" What do you want to do with them?" Zoe asked.

"Kill 'em." Was Jayne's simple suggestion.

"Yes, but do we want them to suffer, or do we just want them gone as soon as possible?" Mal asked.

Jayne stalked up to the captives.

"Here's the deal," he began. "You give us access to all your funds and resources, sign everything over to us and we'll make it quick and painless, you decide otherwise and I'll have Mal pick me up in a week or two when we're finished."

The two terrified men nodded quickly; clearly they had been scared enough by River, something Zoe made a note to ask her about later.

"Good, you just give all your details to my girl here," he said drawing River to his side, "and we'll conclude our business here."

Jayne left River to gather the information from their prisoners and went to Mal.

"I suppose, in the interests of being good guys, we could just turn them over to the authorities on kidnapping and torture." He said glumly.

"Why Jayne!" Zoe exclaimed theatrically. "Have we corrupted you with our morals?"

"You ain't worried about them buying their way out?" Mal asked.

"With what? River's about to get all their loot and we have this place and the surveillance from the ball as evidence." Jayne pointed out. "Besides, we can just kill 'em if they do get off or out. Least this way we don't have to worry about murder charges."

"Talk about scary, morals and intelligent thinking!" Mal cried, "Who are you and what have you done with my merc?"

"Har-dy har-har." Jayne sarcastically. "Can we just get on with this? I need to spend some quality time with my girl."

"Fine, I'll head back to the shuttle and wave the feds, you three bring those two up when you've finished." Mal ordered.

"Zoe better go with you, you lost a fair amount of blood."

Zoe and Mal looked down at Mal's blood soaked leg.

"Simon is really not gonna let this go." Mal whined. "Come on Zo', time for you to take care of your ailing captain."

Jayne watched for a moment as Zoe slung Mal's arm over her shoulder and the pair made their way back out into the corridor. Jayne moved to join River drawing his knife as he moved.

"We done here River?" Jayne asked looping an arm around her shoulder.

"Yes, Mr Wing wasn't entirely forthcoming, but I managed to get what we needed."

"Right then boys, seems my fun is spoilt." Jayne informed them, sheathing his knife. "We're gonna be handing you over to the authorities for kidnapping, torture and attempted murder."

Both men seemed to visibly relax.

"However," Jayne growled moving in closer and drawing his knife again for effect, "either of you to tries to get off with these charges, or escape, or I find out you've hid money from me, you and I will be spending at least two weeks together the end of which I can guarantee you won't see me again, dong ma?"

The two men paled and shrank back, too scared to answer.

"DONG MA?" Jayne roared.

The two men began to nod vigorously.

"Ew, that's disgusting!" River cried stepping back.

"What?" Jayne asked looking between her and the prisoners.

Apparently Niska suffered a bout of incontinence and Wing lost bladder control.

"Rutting hell!" Jayne exclaimed jumping back. "Twice in one day!"

Jayne and River left the two men to hang in the torture chamber, rather than stick around with the smell.

They exited the complex to find that Mal had called Serenity to them and Zoe was just docking the shuttle.

Jayne headed for the infirmary whilst River went to change out of her gown.

"Jayne, how are our two benefactors?" Mal asked as Jayne leant against the infirmary doorway.

"Smelly." Jayne stated with a grimace.

"Excuse me?" Simon asked as he looked up from extracting the bullet from Mal's leg.

"Niska crapped his pants and Wing wet 'imself." Jayne explained.

"What is it with you!" Mal asked disbelievingly. "First Badger now Wing and Niska?"

"Hey, I just explained that if they tried to avoid jail or crossed us again we'd be spending a couple of fun filled weeks together." Jayne defended.

"Yes, well I would appreciate it if you could convince the Captain to stay at home for the foreseeable future, it appears he gets shot if leaves the ship." Simon groused.

"Wouldn't help none Doc." Zoe said as she joined them. "Mal's been shot plenty of times on Serenity."

"The Captain has failed to learn a very important lesson." River explained as she sidled up to Jayne.

"And what would that be oh all knowing Albatross?" Mal asked grumpily.

"When to duck."


	11. Parental Intervention

The trial of Adelei Niska and Atherton Wing was the biggest news since the Miranda Wave. It was boosted by the fact that the perpetrators of the Miranda Wave were the key witnesses for the prosecution.

The trial was set to start in six months, but they were required to make regular trips to Londinium to meet with the authorities there. Badger was true to his word and set them up with a convenient transport route between Londinium and Persephone.

This process was speeded up by the fact that Zoe and Jayne handled the meetings with Badger, whilst Mal, merely watched with glee as the arrogant limey pissed his pants at the sight of his two gun hands.

Now and again Mal would surprise them by stopping off on a different core planet. The crew would go out for dinner. And they would try to avoid being mobbed for autographs.

On one of the return trips from Londinium, Wash answered a wave which he wasn't quite sure what to do about. As such, he asked his wife, like any smart man would.

"Honey what's the problem?" Zoe asked as she came to the bridge.

"Erm, these people want to talk to River and Simon." He replied.

"They're big children now dear; they don't need us screening their calls." She remarked teasingly.

"Yeah, children – you might want to take that into consideration. It's their mother." Wash was very nervous; the last thing he wanted to do was upset Jayne's girl.

"Ah, I see." She leaned over Wash and flicked the wave back on. "Sorry about this Ma'am, they're unavailable at the moment, we'll get them to call you back." She didn't wait for a reply before closing the connection.

"You see, this is why I love you, so decisive and manly – no wait… womanly, beautiful, seductive..." Wash stumbled; he looked sheepishly at his wife. "Love you, Lamby-Toes?"

Zoe just raised her eyebrow and crossed her arms.

The crew assembled around the mess table as Wash explained the call from the Tam Matriarch.

"They probably want to cash in on our fame and fortune now that we aren't wanted fugitives." Simon grouched unhappily. He wanted nothing to do with the parents who left their daughter to suffer.

"Might I suggest that one of us, not Mal," Book suggested despite the annoyed squeak from the captain, "contact your parents and try to discern whether their intentions are honourable?"

Mal looked around the table, the only reason he wanted to see the Tam's was to give them a piece of his mind – and a good right hook.

Maybe Book was right about him not being the one to contact them.

He knew the rest of his crew were willing to fight for River and Simon. Even now Jayne's hand was resting on the butt of his gun as the other held River tightly in his lap.

"I think it's safe to say that the whole crew will back whatever call you two make." Mal said earning nods of agreement from the table. "What about you L'il Albatross? Haven't heard nothing from you." Mal asked gently.

Once again River was hiding behind her hair. Jayne gently tucked it behind her ears and whispered gently, "Whatever you decide I won't leave your side."

River gave him a smile and a kiss.

"I miss them and want to see them." She said quietly, but firmly.

It caused a wrenching pain in Mal's gut, but he knew this wasn't her way of commenting on him as her father figure.

River sensing this left Jayne's lap and gave Mal a hug and a kiss.

"I will always love my Captain-Daddy." She said as she hugged him tightly.

Mal was a little surprised at the physical display she bestowed on him and stood there confused with his arms loose by his sides. Then he saw Jayne glowering at him and making distinct gestures that suggested that if he didn't return the hug he was gonna loose both arms.

Mal was quick to recover.

"Why don't River and I contact your parents and arrange a face to face meeting, we'll arrange for the whole crew to travel there but only River, Simon, Jayne and Kaylee will meet them." Book suggested.

River nodded enthusiastically as she settled back into Jayne's lap whilst Simon grudgingly and very reluctantly nodded his assent.

A few minutes later River was seated in the pilot's chair with Book standing behind her. Simon sulking in the co-pilot's chair conveniently out of sight.

"Tam residence." Came a cultured female voice.

"Mother? Its River." Came the nervous yet hopeful reply.

"River? You're ok? Oh we've missed you so!" Cried Regan Tam, tears falling freely down her cheeks. "We're so sorry we let you go to that horrible place, we just couldn't believe the government would have projects that terrible!"

River was beginning to feel overwhelmed by her mother's emotions and Book, sensing this, helped her gently from the chair and into the waiting arms of Jayne who was just outside the bridge.

"Please excuse River, Mrs. Tam." Book said as he lowered himself into the now vacant chair. "River has a hard time with… emotional situations; she might be back in a moment. I'm Shepherd Book by the way, I crew with this ship."

"It's quite all right, I'm just happy to see she's ok. And it's nice to meet you Shepherd." Regan gushed appreciatively. "Is Simon travelling with you too?" She asked clearly anxious to know her family was well.

"He is Mrs. Tam, he acts as our ships medic."

Simon was burying himself further into the seat as if he was willing the seat to consume him.

"Might I ask what prompted you to contact your children after all this time?" Book asked politely.

"Actually we started looking after the government came round investigating claims that Simon was trying to arrange the kidnapping of River from the Academy." She explained. "We asked to see River but they kept refusing. Gabriel, my husband, tried to find the people Simon was caught talking to in blackout zones." Regan paused as she frowned. "It seems my son did not inherit his espionage skills from his father."

Simon visibly perked up at this. Something that did not go unnoticed by Book.

"Might I ask what you mean by that Mrs. Tam?" Book enquired.

"Oh please call me Regan, Shepherd." She admonished kindly. "Gabriel is currently incarcerated at a maximum security prison for acts of treason. It seems the government didn't like the fact that we wanted to remove our daughter from the Academy."

At this point Simon could not contain himself.

"What the hell are you talking about Mother! Father made it quite clear that should I try and break River out I would be disowned!" He declared angrily as he glared at the screen, causing Book to lean back.

"Simon! Show some respect and mind your language! In front of the Shepherd no less!" Regan scolded.

"Please, call me Derrial, Regan." Book interjected. Simon spared the Shepherd an incredulous look before Book continued. "Regrettably Simon has had some bad experiences and his outlook and perspective is of course influenced as such."

"Of course Derrial." Regan said understandingly. "Simon, your father could never disown you. He loved both of you too much for that. He just wanted to shock you." Regan explained calmly. "Your father tried three times to get into the Academy before they threw him in jail. I tried twice. The only reason I'm not in jail with him is because he took the blame for me."

"But you both refused to believe me when I told you about River!" Simon exclaimed.

"Simon," Regan said calmly, "neither your father or I are as smart as you and your sister. All we had was your panicked explanations and seemingly rash behaviour. You and River had always been close we just thought you were missing her. We didn't want you to spoil what we thought was a wonderful time for her."

"But I showed you her letters and explained her codes." Simons was getting very agitated.

"Simon, what can I say? We were in denial. And as I have stated, no where near as smart as you and River." Regan Tam was clearly embarrassed about this.

", I believe you need time to digest this, let's move on to a different topic shall we?" Book suggested.

"Fine." Simon grouched. "So why are you calling after all these months? Its been nearly a year since the Miranda Broadwave and we've been in the public eye most of that time?" Simon asked suspiciously.

"Well, I may not be in prison with your father, but I am under house arrest. I am actually using an illegal feed. I will probably wind up in prison once they realise what I've done." She explained.

"Not to worry Regan, I will speak with the Captain of our ship. We do have some pull with the authorities and there is no reason for either you husband or yourself to be punished for trying to rescue your daughter from and illegal government project." Book assured her.

Simon just grunted and returned to his chair.

"Oh thank you Shepherd – I mean Derrial," she corrected with a smile, "I was hoping you would at least consent to being witnesses for my husband, he hasn't even had a trial yet."

"Please can you talk to River and Simon for me?" She asked, tearing up again. "I just need to touch them and know their ok. I don't mind if they never speak to me again. I just need to see them once."

"I don't think it will be a problem. Rest assured I will contact you again soon." Derrial confirmed her.

Book discussed the situation with Mal, Simon and River. River was all for arranging the release of her father and mother, Mal was somewhat cautious and Simon gave up complaining after River kicked him in the shins.

It was agreed that Mal, Simon and Book would take a shuttle and go see an old acquaintance of Book's to attain the release of the parents Tam. The rest of the crew would take Serenity to the Tam Residence and await the other three there.

"Shepherd who is this friend of yours?" Mal asked as he piloted the shuttle to the Osiris Capital building.

"His name is Geoffrey Finch, he's a magistrate in the criminal courts." Book explained.

"Geoffrey Finch!" Simon exclaimed. "He's the _Chief_ Magistrate of the _Supreme_ Courts."

"How is it that a lowly shepherd knows such a high falutin' feller?"

"Wasn't always a Shepherd Mal, told you that I might explain it some day." Book reminded him gently.

"Shepherd, we been to hell and back again, think it might be time." Mal declared.

"I was a high ranking Fed… here on Osiris. I was also something of a spook. I worked undercover a lot of the time." He explained.

"Well, here's hoping your friend can make my Albatross happy." Mal said as he landed the shuttle on the roof parking bays.

Wash parked Serenity on the Tam's landing pad. It was a large house and grounds but nothing too big.

As the ramp lowered Regan Tam could be seen rushing out of the house.

Inara was glad that she suggested the initial meeting take place on ship. Everyone was waiting in the mess for them.

"Mrs. Tam, its good to see you." Inara greeted politely.

"Miss Serra? My you are even more stunning in person." Regan exclaimed grasping the younger woman's hand. "Please call me Regan."

"You know me?" Inara asked in astonishment.

"Of course dear. You and everyone on this ship are practically celebrities." Regan explained. "Once we heard bout Miranda and how you helped my children I researched all of you."

"Oh… well I suppose that explains why you aren't surprised to see a registered companion on a ship such as this." Inara remarked as she gestured to Serenity.

"It's not where you are but who you are with that counts Miss Serra." Regan told her.

"I suppose you're right, and please call me Inara." She agreed. "I must speak with you about Simon and River before we meet them." Inara said as she led Regan to two chairs she had asked Jayne to put out for her.

"Are they ok? They aren't hurt are they?" Regan asked suddenly getting very upset.

"No! They are fine." Inara assured her quickly. "It's just that, well, as you have seen, Simon still bears some resentment to you and your husband. He will need some time to overcome his preconceptions. But River… River was, as you are probably aware, badly mistreated in the academy. Tortured. Plus she is a Reader."

Regan gasped and the tears slowly trickled down her cheeks. Inara took her hand comfortingly.

"We think," Inara continued, "That she was a Reader before she went to the Academy, she just wasn't fully developed. But the Academy removed part of her brain and now she can't control it."

Regan's head dropped as she began to sob at the cruelty her daughter had suffered. Inara raised Regan's chin and looked steadily into her eyes, it was important she understood.

"You must try to control your emotions. She will be overwhelmed by them and will be forced to leave the room. Do you understand?" Inara asked gently.

Regan merely nodded.

"Lets take a few minutes and you can collect yourself, then we will go in. Just try to remember you are going to see your daughter."

After a few minutes Regan had composed herself. She smiled and nodded to Inara and they both stood and made their way inside.

Regan Tam stepped through the mess doorway to see three people sitting around the table.

Her daughter who was curled tightly into a rather large mans protective embrace and a slightly worried young lady who was probably not much older than River.

River looked nervously between her lover and her mother.

Jayne gently stroked her hair and gave her a reassuring half smile and a slight nod. Something that did not go un-noticed by her mother.

River slowly moved off of Jayne's lap and went to stand before her mother. Her head down and her hands clasped before her. She just stood in front of her mother, not knowing what to say or do.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and looked up to see her mothers face streaked with tears.

"If it helps, you can read me." Regan told her with a watery smile. Regan's memories were filled with a precocious little girl who had an opinion on everything and a question for everyone. Not this timid creature before her now.

River slowly probed her mother's mind, fearful that underneath the physical display of reconciliation, rejection and hate were lurking. Everyone had two sides, even Kaylee.

River was overwhelmed by the mix of contrasting emotions. Sorrow over what could have possibly happened to her to change her into this quite girl. Joy over finally being in the same room with her. And, desperation, to hold her tightly in her arms and never let her go again.

That was when River broke and flung herself into her mother's arms. Regan didn't hesitate as she wrapped her log lost daughter in her loving embrace.

"I missed you so much River." Regan sobbed.

"I missed you too, mommy." River cried into her mother's chest.

Inara, Jayne and Kaylee exchanged looks and carefully rose to leave the two to their reunion when River and Regan turned as one.

"No, stay." Regan said quietly as she wiped her face with her handkerchief.

River nodded as she also wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand.

"This just seems like it's a family thing and private thing Mrs. Tam." Kaylee said quietly.

"Please call me Regan, and you are family." She told them sincerely. "You looked after my children all this time and protected them from evil. Only family would do that."

"If you're sure?" Inara asked gently as she handed River a handkerchief.

"We are." River asked with a watery smile that reminded Inara of the one they had just seen on Regan Tam.

The five of them sat down at the table, River taking her place on Jayne's lap.

"I take it you two are together?" Regan asked River.

River cracked her first smile of the day, albeit a shy one.

"Mommy, this is Jayne Cobb, my boyfriend." She said as she pulled Jayne from his seat.

"Ma'am, glad I can say it's nice to meet you." Jayne said as he gently shook Regan's hand with a smile.

"Please, it's Regan Mr. Cobb, and its an honour to meet you all." Regan said as she clasped Jayne's large hand in both of hers.

"Jayne'll be fine." He responded with a smile.

"Where are the rest of your crew?" Regan asked.

"Capt'n, Simon and Shepherd Book went off to see about getting Mr. Tam released." Kaylee explained. "Zoe and Wash are watching the bridge."

"Will they be joining us?"

"They didn't want to create more pressure for River so they may join us later." Inara explained.

"Ah." Regan nodded. "So Kaylee, can I assume you and my son are involved?" Regan asked with a wry smile and a somewhat knowing look.

Kaylee's only response was a shy grin and an unusually deep blush.

"I hope you are keeping him in line. He has a tendency to be a bit of a boob." Regan confided.

At this point there was a rather undignified snort from the refined companion at the table. This earned an inquisitive look from Regan.

"I'm sorry," Inara said trying not to giggle, "but having heard River often refer to Simon (add 'as') a boob, it seemed so strange to hear it coming from someone of your stature."

"I see." Regan laughed. "Still teasing your brother dear?"

"It's my right and my job." River asserted.

"I can vouch for that; happen to have three sisters m'self." Jayne grouched.

"You poor man, how did you survive?" Regan asked theatrically.

It was a few hours later that the men arrived back at the ship to find the rest of the crew, including Wash and Zoe, sitting in the mess taking turns to recount their past exploits.

"… so we open up the bay doors and there he is naked as the day he was born!" Kaylee said between giggles.

"Well now Li'l Kaylee," Mal asked as he walked into the mess with the men in tow, "just who was naked outside the ship and why wasn't I told? Should I be handing out sceptic duty?"

"Of course sir," Zoe said straight faced, "we was just recounting the story of how you wound up on that planet after pinching the Lassiter with Saffron."

"KAYLEE!" Mal screeched. "You can not be telling these people things like that!"

"Why Inara, you lucky woman!" Regan exclaimed. "At least you got to see what you were getting up front. So to speak." Inara laughed.

"Yes, Mal didn't seem at all embarrassed about being stranded naked in a desert; he has an interesting tattoo on his -"

"INARA!" Mal screeched again. "Fine, maybe I'll just take my surprise away then!" He groused.

"I'd rather you didn't Captain, after all, the prison wasn't the best of experiences and I would really like to see my wife and daughter." Gabriel said as he stepped into the room.

"Gabriel!" Regan cried as she ran to hug her husband.

Jayne was not surprised to feel River burrowing deeper into his lap. She had relaxed considerably whilst Regan engaged the crew in conversation but she had tensed up a few minutes before Mal arrived. Jayne had instinctively reached for his gun. Even now his hand was resting at his hip.

Gabriel and Regan parted after a few minutes and Regan proceeded to envelop Simon in tight embrace.

Gabriel slowly moved over to where his daughter was curled tightly into a large mans lap.

His first instinct was horror that someone was touching his daughter. He had spent the past few years fantasizing about what he would do to the hundans that hurt his daughter.

But then he saw the hand on the weapon at the man's hip and realised this man would kill for his little girl, and he slowly relaxed.

Mal on the other hand was watching very carefully just in case he had to ward off trouble, as was Zoe.

Gabriel gave the large man a slight nod and knelt down next to the couple.

This was his bright eyed and bubbly little girl. Reduced to a quivering ball of scared woman. Gabriel's heart was breaking at the sight. He wanted to hold her and reassure her that he was there for her. He needed to reach her.

'_Button? Can you hear me?'_

River looked up startled, someone was in her head.

'_Button it's me, Daddy.'_

River looked round at Gabriel who smiled at her and said one word.

"Button."

Jayne was surprised when River flung herself into her father's arms. He wasn't sure but he was fairly certain that River and her father were talking in their heads. He'd have to ask her later.

'_Does Mummy know?'_ River asked her father through their shared link with her head buried under his chin.

'_She does, I told her after we realised your brother was right about your letter and he went missing.'_ He responded. _'I thought you might have forgotten about our shared link.'_

'_I thought it was a dream, a fantasy.'_ She responded.

'_We should tell the rest, they all know about me, but not you.'_ She told him. _'Simon deserves to know.'_

'_Ok Button, right after all the introductions we'll spill our beans.'_ He assured her.

Gabriel lifted River into his lap as he sat down at the mess table. She may be bigger but she was still his little girl, and there was so much of her childhood he needed to make up to her.

"So Simon," Gabriel said as he stroked a smiling if slightly nervous River's back, "who are the rest of these lovely people that have helped keep my family safe?"

Simon was still not fully reconciled with the situation and circumstances his parents claimed. He had an evil thought though as he realised how much fun he could have as he introduced his girlfriend and River's beau.

"Well," he began with a nonchalant smile, "this is Inara Serra, a former companion. The couple at the end there are Zoe, the first mate and Wash, the pilot."

Simon tried to suppress a smirk as he prepared to deliver his first crushing blow.

"This is my girlfriend Kaylee Frye." He said as he laid a hand on her shoulder and Kaylee smiled shyly.

"Nice to meet, sir." Kaylee said politely.

"Frye?" Gabriel asked with raised eyebrows.

Simon was too busy relishing what he thought was his father's discomfort and displeasure at his dating a rim worlder. He failed to miss the look between his parents and the little snicker from River.

Simon was a little disappointed that he hadn't managed to ruffle his father much, he covered his disappointment and moved on to deliver the final blow.

"The mercenary next to you with all the guns is River's boyfriend…" Gabriel's eyebrows disappeared into his forehead "…Jayne Cobb."

"JAYNE COBB!" Gabriel yelled as he stood too quickly knocking river off his lap.

"HEY!" Jayne shouted as he deftly picked River up and deposited her back into his own lap. He knew the reaction would be bad, but there weren't no call to be taking it out on his girl.

Jayne growled at the senior male Tam.

Gabriel meanwhile, had composed himself slightly.

"Your name is Jayne Cobb?" He asked as calmly as he could.

"Yes father, his name is Jayne." Simon smirked, loving every minute of the scene.

He was a little shocked when his father started to laugh hysterically. He wanted to ruffle his father's feathers not get him killed because he laughed at Jayne's name.

Gabriel eventually calmed himself enough to explain himself to a somewhat disturbed crew and family and a rather disgruntled mercenary.

"I'm sorry Mr. Cobb, I thought 'Jayne Cobb' was a monster or a boogie man of sorts." Jayne didn't mind being feared, made it a goal of his, but he still didn't like being laughed at.

Gabriel could see he needed to explain further and River clearly knew what was coming judging by the giggling bundle in Jayne's lap.

"Quite recently two inmates arrived in my cell block, nothing unusual there but they had a tendency to cry out in their sleep during nightmares, the one phrase we heard over and over was 'Jayne Cobb' or 'Cobb'. They wouldn't talk about it but their nightmares were a regular occurrence."

The rest of the crew still looked a little blank, Jayne was struggling to decide whether to be pleased or not.

"He's talking about Adelai Niska and Atherton Wing." River said as she turned in Jayne's lap to face the crew.

There was a collective "Ooohhh" from the crew and a distinct swelling in Jayne's chest.

"Truth be told, 'was your Li'l girl here that did the most to them." Jayne said proudly. "They kidnapped her and she used all her assassin training to take out them and most of their hired hands."

River was blushing at the praise.

Regan's head was in her hands as she tried to cope with hearing that her daughter was kidnapped… again. Over the passed few years she had fought to get her daughter back, never sparing a moment to weep for her lost daughter, but it was all coming out now.

Gabriel put an arm around his wife and River moved to sit in her lap and be tightly hugged.

"Well I'm glad she can fend for herself, despite the reasons and circumstances surrounding her training." Gabriel told the crew. "But I am still grateful to you Mr. Cobb and the rest of you for helping to keep my children safe."

"They're family Mr. Tam, we take care of family." Kaylee told him.

Gabriel smiled at her, "Please just call me Gabriel, or Gabe."

"Now Miss Frye, may I call you Kaylee?" He asked. Kaylee nodded enthusiastically.

"Now then, there was a time when I used to bounce you on my knee." The crew looked at Gabriel like he had just told them the moon shone out his arse.

"Your family are old friends of ours." He explained. "Regan and I honeymooned on Harvest. We loved it so much that we arranged to build a summer home on your parents land, they could use it when we weren't there and rent it out when they wanted."

Gabriel paused to look at Simon, who appeared to be catatonic with shock.

"Simon was two when your mother was pregnant with you." Regan told Kaylee. "He would sit on her knee and ask all sorts of questions about who you were and when you were going to come out and play." Regan said as she smiled fondly at the memories.

Kaylee looked like all her Christmas' and birthdays had come at once. The rest of the crew were doing their level best not to laugh… and failing miserably.

"Is that why he became a doctor?" Wash asked through the gasps as he leaned on Zoe's shoulder.

"No, he started on that when Kaylee was two and she cut her knee." Gabriel told him. "Simon helped Kaylee into the summer home and helped me patch up her knee, she was so happy she gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek."

Kaylee was beaming as she hugged Simon tightly. Simon was turning beet-red as the story was told.

"You were her hero Simon." Regan explained kindly.

"You still are." Kaylee said as she kissed Simon's cheek.

At this point Simon regained his tongue.

"Why don't I remember this and why hadn't we been back recently?" Simon demanded, clearly having trouble believing his ears.

"You were quite young. We haven't been back since before River was born. She was so smart she needed a lot of help understanding herself." Regan explained.

"Also I became very busy at work." Gabriel added. "We keep in touch, although not since the Academy."

"I take it you haven't told your parents yet Kaylee?" Regan asked.

"No, it would have been to hard to explain as I couldn't say who he was him an' River bein' fugies an' all." Kaylee explained.

"Well, we can wave them later and surprise them." Gabriel smiled slyly.

'_Ready Button? Might as well get it over with.'_ Gabriel asked his daughter telepathically.

"Yes." River replied verbally. Causing Gabriel to smile.

"Yes what River?" Inara asked.

"I was saying yes to Daddy about telling you our secret." She replied.

"Why am I getting the feeling I ain't wearing enough armour?" Mal groused warily.

"Because you never wear any." Zoe responded. "Sir." Mal just glared at her.

"Not to worry Captain, it's just something that has always remained private between River and myself." Gabriel explained. "You see, I'm a Reader too."

The crew of Serenity were aghast whilst Jayne looked like the final piece of the puzzle had fallen into place.

Simon on the other hand had returned to the State of Catatonia and was looking to buy a summer home.

"It's a secret I kept all my life until I discovered River was a Reader and River and I used it to communicate, I only told Regan when we finally began to believe Simon's claims about the Academy."

The crew were silent as they took this in.

"Why were you shocked when I told you River was a Reader?" Inara asked Regan suddenly rousing everyone form their shock.

"Oh, I wasn't. I was upset because of what you told me happened to her." Regan explained with a smile, despite her eyes filling again.

"So the Academy didn't make her a Reader?" Simon asked having finally recovered.

"No, but I suspect they found out. I always told her to keep it a secret as I had a lot of trouble when I was her age." Gabriel told him.

Later that evening Gabriel Tam found himself cornered in the kitchen by the boogy man himself, Jayne Cobb.

Regan had laid out a veritable feast for the crew of Serenity in celebration of their family reunion.

She had also insisted that they spend the night in the spare bedrooms. Mal and Inara stayed on ship to keep the watch.

"Mr. Cobb, what can I do for you?" Gabriel asked, his palms turning slightly sweaty as the mention of the name 'Cobb' brought forth the memory of nightly screams.

Jayne noticed this and couldn't help the slight smile.

"Just Jayne, sir." He said with a friend smile.

"Very well, but really please just call me Gabriel." He returned the smile relaxing slightly.

"In time sir, but for the moment I'd prefer to call ya 'sir', at least for this conversation." He said sheepishly

"Now that sounds ominous." Gabriel said with a raised eyebrow.

"Originally I would have gone to Simon or Mal about this, but now that you and River… and eventually Simon, have reconciled I figured I should ask you, I'd like your permission to ask River to marry me." Jayne braced himself for rejection.

Had he gone to Mal or Simon he would have been more hopeful. They had seen River happy with him. But Gabriel had only just met him.

Gabriel saw the apprehension on Jayne's face and smiled.

"Jayne, I'd like to tell you the whole story about Wing and Niska. I didn't tell everyone earlier as I didn't want to upset Regan."

Gabriel indicated that they should sit at the stools around the counter. Jayne looked confused but sat nonetheless, maybe there was hope.

"When Niska and Wing discovered I was also in their cell block they immediately requested a transfer for their own safety, they even asked for solitary confinement.

"It turns out that they knew River was my daughter. I recognised my daughter's name whenever they screamed it in their dreams, I thought 'Jayne Cobb' was what she did to them."

Jayne couldn't help the prideful swelling in his chest as he thought of the fear his girl had induced in those hundans.

"I know full well what my little girl is capable of." Gabriel continued. "I know that she can take care of herself. But what is more important is that she has someone to watch her back and take care of her when she can't do it herself. I know you can do that, and from the way you handled her when we first met, I know you love her and it is obvious she loves you."

Gabriel stood and held out his hand.

"You have my permission and my blessing. Welcome to the family Jayne."

Jayne took a second to remove the flabbergasted expression from his face before grinning like a loon and taking Gabriel's hand.

"Oh, and if she says 'no', send her to me. She may be smart but… well, you've seen Simon."

Jayne couldn't help but laugh.

The next morning the breakfast table was filled with feminine squeals as River showed off her engagement ring.

Jayne's savings had increased incredibly since he no longer frequented whore houses and bars, added to that was the lucrative jobs Badger had set them up with and his share from the money they got from Niska and Wing.

River was seen to be sporting a hefty diamond. Even Gabriel was impressed.

After a short bout of wheedling from Serenity's women, Mal agreed to make the trip to Harvest to see Jayne's family and have the wedding.

Gabriel and Regan requested transport aboard Serenity much to Simon's surprise.

But as Regan pointed out, "Any ship good enough for my children is good enough for me."

"Besides, I just got out of prison, as long as I don't have to travel on a prison ship I'll be fine." Gabriel added.

The truth was that neither of the elder Tams was willing to let their children out of sight.

This was something Gabriel had confided in Mal and convinced him to let them board.

And so several days later Serenity lifted into the sky and headed towards Harvest Jayne and Kaylee's home planet.


	12. Sins of the father and the mother

The trip from Osiris to Harvest was quiet and tense. The first few days of the ten day trip were filled with a happy River reacquainting herself with her parents and dragging her brother along for the ride.

Simon put aside his prejudices and bitter harbourings to attempt to rebuild his family's tattered relationships.

By the fourth day the effort made by all the Tams and the rest of Serenity seemed to be all for nought.

It was around mid afternoon when Simon came screaming from the passenger quarters:

"MY EYES!" A frantic Kaylee who desperately tried to console him and find out what happened met him.

There was a second scream from Jayne and River's bunk:

"MY MIND!" Came River's voice.

There was a frantic gathering in the infirmary as Inara and Mal met Simon and Kaylee to find out what the commotion was all about.

Zoe and Book arrived seconds later on the heels of a worried Jayne carrying a huddled River.

Zoe was under strict instructions from her husband to report back with relevant gossip. Book was ordered to keep track of the irrelevant gossip.

"What the gorram hell is going on?" Jayne demanded as he gently laid River on the bed.

"Damned if I know, first Simon starts screaming and then River starts up." Mal offered.

"We heard the doc start his hollering and then River starts to read 'im to find out what the problem is. Next thing I know she's screaming about her mind." Jayne informed them as he stroked River's hair.

"Mei mei, you saw what I saw?" Simon asked shakily.

River nodded her head as Simon hugged her comfortingly.

"Now that you both know that you both saw what the other saw, would you mind telling us _what_ you saw… I think?" Mal managed to confuse himself. "Zoe…?"

"Simon, what's got you and River screaming bloody murder 'round the ship?" She asked calmly whilst rolling her eyes at Mal.

"I believe we can answer that." A somewhat dishevelled Gabriel answered from the infirmary door way, Regan was shyly huddled behind him.

"Do tell, Mr. Tam, I don't take kindly to my crew being upset like this." Mal stated as he widened his stance and crossed his arms.

Inara rolled her eyes at his act of bravado.

"Our children have exhibited a distinct lack of bad timing. They interrupted my wife and I whilst we were otherwise occupied." Gabriel declared with more than a little forced dignity.

"They did what now?" Jayne asked somewhat confounded, which also happened to be the state of the rest of the crew.

"Well… they… you know!" Gabriel tried to voice his explanation as his face turned redder and his wife practically blended into the bulk heads.

There was a sudden snort from behind Zoe, which exploded into a guffaw as the Shepherd finally figured out what had happened.

River frowned at Book. "Not funny Preacher-Man! Scarred for life! May never have sex again!"

"WHAT!" Jayne bellowed. His hand went to his knife hilt as he turned to face the elder Tams.

Inara having been watching the whole scene unfold decided to venture a guess at what had occurred.

"Simon, did you happen to walk in on your parents… making love?" Inara wasn't quite sure what terminology to use, but she figured the softer the better… not to mention the less graphical.

Simon nodded his head glumly.

"Run-tse duh fwotzoo..." Mal muttered aghast.

"What? Why should it be a problem for Mister 'n Missus Tam to be having sex? Mr. Tam's been locked all this time." Kaylee asked bewildered, yet ever the sentimental softy.

"Kaylee!" Jayne declared, shocked at her. "Ain't nothing wrong with two people having sex… it's a whole 'nother mess when you walk in on your parents doing the deed!"

Kaylee was about to protest when Mal interrupted.

"Kaylee, imagine you walked in on _your_ parents!"

Kaylee was about to respond immediately but then stopped to consider, her face changed from thoughtful, to curious, to perturbed, to slightly queasy, to shocked and finally to sympathetic as she hugged Simon and River close to her bosom.

"Jayne, Kaylee, take your significant others back to your bunks and sort 'em out. Mr. Tam, Mrs. Tam… I hope you have learned the Golden Rule of living on a small ship… 'Always lock your doors'." Mal informed them.

Gabriel and Regan ducked their heads in shame.

"I suggest we leave these couples to their business. Zoe and I have to go and… make our reports." Book suggested.

Book and Zoe backed out of the infirmary and headed in the direction of the cockpit whilst Jayne and Kaylee escorted their loved ones to their bunks.

Gabriel and Regan made their own dejected and humiliated way back to their bunks in the passenger dorms.

Mal and Inara stood in the Infirmary watching the departing pairs.

"Well, I'm guessing that any remaining starch in the Tam's has just been washed out." Mal remarked.

"Indeed, I imagine dinner will be a very subdued affair and that Jayne and Kaylee will have a hard time looking their parents in the eye." Inara replied.

"So I guess the only people getting any for the rest of this trip will be you and me and Zoe and Wash." Mal mused. "Care to get a head start?"

Mal chivalrously extended his arm to Inara.

"Absolutely." Inara delicately placed her hand in the crook of his elbow. "Just remember to lock the door Mal."


End file.
